Divine Revelation

SInce I have been at Kona, I have heard this prayer many times. "Lord, give them a divine revelation." What does this mean, you ask? It means that we would experience God in a way that we never had before so that we can understand Him just a little bit more. I have prayed this prayer for myself many times as well, and I have now, I believe, had my first Divine Revelation.

As you have seen throughout my blog, I have doubts. Last week, however, they seemed to completely take over. After that worship session last monday, I felt so distant from God that I didn't know what else to do. So I did a media fast, and it went pretty well. I did the fast so that I could experience God so that I would no longer have doubts about Him and His love anymore. I know it seems silly that I struggle with that, especially being a Christian at YWAM, but it has been a burden for a long time on my heart, but it is finally being lifted. Our speaker last week was a man named Aaron Walsh, and he helped start the International House of Prayer (IHOP) in New Zealand. Yeah, that's right, he flew form New Zealand just to talk to our DTS. Apparently, he only speaks at 1 a year and he turned down 39 other opportunities to speak this month so that he could come and talk to us. And man am I glad he did. He is an amazing guy who walk very close to God. All week, he was prepping us for Friday, because it was just oging to be a day of impartation when he would pray and prophecy over us.

So Friday rolled around and I was pumped. All I could think was "Yes, FINALLY I can experience God and I will know with out a doubt that He is real and cares for me." It was an insane day. As he prayed over people, they would just fall over. God would tell him what people were feeling and some of their fears and Aaron would say what they were to the class and then demand that satan stop telling those lies to that person. Then it was finally my turn. He looked straight at me (even though I didn't have my hand raised) and started praying over me that the bonds of self-hatred would be gone and that I would experience God's love. After a few minutes, I fell back. It was the weirdest thing. I felt a pressure on me, but it wasn't filled with love. Instead, it was horrible sadness and separation from God. As I lay on the ground with people praying over me, all I could think was "God, where are you? WHy can't I feel you when all these people can? Don't you love me?" I was a mess the rest of the day. My One on one, Erica, and I had a 2 hour talk where we started to work things out. At this point, i was still feeling separated from God. Erica prayed that I would experience Him and that I would not have expectations. I should just let him have his way.

Later, as I was praying about why God was letting me feel this way, the revelation hit. WHen I prayed to experience God, I just assumed it was going to be a happy experience. That I would be filled with love and joy so that I would have no doubt. God, however, had different plans. He didn't let me experience His joy, but He did let me experience His pain, which I clearly was not expecting. He started showing me all the times that I told Him how much I hated the way He made me, that I didn't trust He was there, that I didn't love Him because of what was going on in my life. He wasn't showing me these times in my life to me accusing, however. He was showing me this so that I knew when I hurt, He hurt. When I felt separated, He felt separated. What I feel, He feels a billion times more. He let me experience that terrible pain and sadness and separation earlier, because that is how He feels when I reject HIm. That is how he feels about the people all over the WORLD who choose to serve themselves over HIm.

I am so blessed that God let me experience that side of Him. Now I know its not true that He doesn't care about me. It is one thing to hear it from someone else, but it is completely different when you actually hear it straight from God. Since this Divine Revelation on friday night, my relation ship with Jesus has been so much better. I know He is listening to what I say to HIm and that He holds me in His hands, where he holds the stars. He also blessed me with an amazing family who loves me and listens to me as I explain these crazy stories and who fast with me.

Thank you for all who prayed for me this week! I love you all!