To sum it all up

Of the past 3 months, I can’t tell you how many pounds of rice I have eaten, baby wipes I used, or bugs I have accidently swallowed. I still can’t count past 10 in Khmer or carry on a conversation beyond “hello”. I can’t even begin to describe the smell of the meat market or what its like to ride your bike in Battambang traffic, and I am pretty sure dirt is permanently embedded in the soles of my feet.

(market food)

But I can try to convey how incredible this chapter of my life has been. To say that God has amazed me would be an understatement. From the first week in the village to the last goodbye at the bus station, He has never stopped pouring out His peace, joy, grace, faithfulness, strength, provision, wisdom and protection over myself and my Fambodia.

The people of Cambodia are some of the most giving, joyful, hopeful people I have ever met. Many have close to nothing, yet they would offer you the shirt off their back if you needed one. Even as I write this on the bus to Phnom Pehn, the pregnant woman seated next to me offers me a bite of her spring roll with a smile, even though we have never met before.

In the last 2 weeks of outreach, I started to hang out with 2 older women (the mom and aunt of a friend) in the slum across from our base. Their home was made of wood and a tin roof upon stilts to avoid the floods that come with monsoon season. They sleep on bamboo mats, have river water delivered into giant clay pots so they can shower, and keep their possessions in since they have no room for shelves. The aunt makes money by sewing children’s shirts out of worn out adult clothes. Each shirt takes 2 hours to make and are sold for 50 cents at the market. Whenever I came to visit, they made sure I left with a belly full of rice and soup. They made me laugh, even though we don’t speak the same language. They ask me to pray for them, even though they do not believe in God. Hope, hope, hope.

The Lord was true to His promises He made my co-leader and I earlier this year and marked our team with unity and joy in abundance. 6 months ago, we met as strangers. 3 months ago, we came here as friends. Today, we leave as family. I will forever be thankful for the lives of these 12 and that the God had their paths cross mine. The memories of family bike rides, mandatory fun nights, and family banter at the dinner table will always bring me joy.

(family bike picture)

My own heart has undergone a major transformation. My trust in the Lord was put to the test more than once and is now stronger than ever before. I relied way too much on my weak human strength and when it failed, His abiding strength would catch me. The reality of Jesus and His heart for every single child of His on this globe has been awakened in my spirit. Not a single Khmer person was born to worship a mute, deaf, and emotionless god, and then fade out of existence when life here on earth ends. Every single body has a soul. Every soul has a Maker and every soul was meant to meet that Maker. And that is my prayer for this world, that sleepy souls will be awakened.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart, for all your prayers and support! The Lord did SOOOO MUCH and we were protected the whole time, thank to all the prayer coverage we had. It means the world to me to have the support from friends and family :)

I am blessed to be sitting in an air-conditioned room, enjoying ice water and cream cheese wontons with a TV radiating light from above. I glance out the 2^nd story window and am reminded that right outside, people are no where near as fortune as I. Take a right outside the front doors of Café Eden, hang another right on the first street, and about 2 blocks down on the left hand side, make a stop. There you will find 12 young Khmer boys, homeless, dirty, and high off of glue-sniffing. Some abandoned and the rest homeless by choice, these 12 now call this street corner their home. Aging from 16 to 20, they roam the city during the day, asking for spare change, or take a hit off glue fumes, trying to escape the pains of life for just a few hours.

After being asked for change by them last week, Kim, a girl on my team, invited them to our Wednesday Night Gathering (basically, a church service) at the YWAM base. Surprisingly, all 12 showed up, suspicions guarding their faces, not knowing what to expect. After the gathering ended, some of the guards fell to the wayside and they began to chatter outside of their clan a bit. They left with bellies full of corn, and logan fruit, some even grinning and waving goodbye. After a few days of planning, 4 of us showed up to their “home” Saturday, arms filled with bags of rice and meat-on-a-stick. No picture can capture their surprised delight. No words can express the way my heart strings were plucked.

That night with them was more than a reality check. I can leave this nation. They can’t. I can go to the store and pick up whatever food I was craving. They can’t. I can call my parents and tell them I love them. They can’t. It is moments like these that keep me going. It is the reason my heart is filled to the brim with thanks. It is what spurs me forward when all I want to do is quit. To see warmth light up their eyes and hope dance across their faces adds new sparks to the flame that is already in my spirit.

I long for the day when I won't wonder how many kids have empty stomachs, or how many are hardened from years of abuse, or how many are orphaned because sickness has claimed their parents. My heart burns for it, to see a generation who knows their identity as Heavenly Royalty. If it is this strong on my broken, feeble, human heart, how much more can it be on our Father's?

I am thankful to my Father for how He has provided in abundance my entire life.

I am saturated with hope for what God can do in these kids’ lives.

I am carrying a soul full of Fire, ready to see His Kingdom come to this earth.

"No place I'd rather be, than here in Your love. So set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain and I can't control. I want more of you God"

These lyrics by the United Pursuit Band have been my prayer over this past year. How faithful the Lord is to answer the deepest cries of my heart. He has been incredibly faithful to the desires of my soul, to be taken deeper in the Spirit, for Him to be my teacher, the first love of my life. To open my eyes more to how He moves in the world, from the biggest to the smallest of ways.

It can be a challenge, to wait on the Lord for prayers that have been prayed for what seems like eons. To not give up but to keep pressing in because you still have that tiny strand of hope that He will still answer, even when all is quiet. And just when it seems like He won't, He opens your eyes to the ways He has been moving during your entire life, all for you so you can bring Him more praise.

One of these ways I saw Him pour out faithfulness was back in the village when we were staying at the orphanage. A few days before we left, for some random reason, an ice cream truck was driving down the dirt road. Sunny, a girl on our team, saw it, flagged it down, and we had all the kids come meet us on the road. All the kids got ice cream that day, some for the very first time.




Squeals of delight came from behind me as I stood in front of the truck. Nead and Minn came flying out form the back of the village, racing through the front gates with water dripping from their hair. Of course there was no time to dry off after a shower when there was ice cream! The joy that lit their faces up was indescribable. The ways that He is faithful to even the little prayers for ice cream is so sweet.



We have truly been seeing the Faithful heart of God here. Our classes are all going great. We have started to make friends with them and other locals, building up relationships and going deeper. Our team unity is still amazing and we are all becoming more of a family by the minute. With outreach half way over, we are seeking His heart for more of what He wants to do with us while we are here.

Thank you for all of you prayers and support while we are out here! They mean more than words can describe.

Love.

It has been over 2 weeks since we first arrived in Cambodia, and already this beautiful nation has stolen a piece of my heart. After being in the country for just a few days, we headed out to live in a village for the next 12 days.

As we arrived at the orphanage we would be staying at, shy kids peered around door corners to catch a glimpse of 13 new people who would be staying with them. After settling into our new rooms, my coleader and myself sat at a rickety wooden table that the kids eat their meals at, to talk with the pastor of the orphanage. Within minutes, 3 little girls (Nuein, Nead, and Minn) were clambering up me, braiding my hair, playing with my hands, and giggling like there was no tomorrow.

(Minn, Nuien, and Nead)

That night, our team gathered in the church building in the center of the orphanage to meet all the kids. After meeting all the children, one of the most touching moments of my life took place. All the kids gathered around us and for the next 5 minutes, 35 orphaned children prayed with zeal for us, all at once, and all out loud. Not because they had to, but because they love Jesus and they already loved us.

(church time)

The next twelve days were challenging but so incredible. We slept on mats on floors surrounded by mosquito nets, bucket showered with rain water, used squatty potties. Dirt roads, murky water, mud. Bugs. Lots and lots of bugs. Ramen noodles for breakfast, rice and meat for lunch and dinner. Little boys coming home from school, carrying hand picked bouquets for all us ladies. Little girls braiding our hair, intertwined with flowers. Lots of tickling, laughter, and joy. Through out the days, we got to know the stories of all the kids a little bit more. The story of Nead, Da and Kao are one of them.

After their father left the family, their mother turned to alcohol, leaving the 3 of them to fend for themselves. By the age of 4, Nead had learned how to catch rats in rice fields, kill, cook and sell the bodies at the market. They would keep the heads of the rats as their source for food. Her older brothers could build wooden guns to catch and kill the rats quicker. The pastor saw one of the boys running through the fields at night and set out to hear his story. When he found the living conditions they were living in, he quickly gained permission to take them to the orphanage, where they can eat, play, go to school, and encounter the Father's heart. With the amount that beautiful little girl smiles and laughs, you never would have guessed about the life she used to live.

(Me and Nead)

My life is forever changed because of these kids. No fighting, no tears, no drama, no fits. Just love. No games, no toys. Just each other. No mother, no father. Just Jesus. And they love Him with all they got. With so little in the physical and so much in the faith, these kids have become my new heroes.

1 week left

11 weeks ago, 85 people who had never meet before gathered here on this island. They packed their bags, said goodbye to home, and headed out to a giant rock in the middle of the ocean for 6 months to seek the Lord. Leaving all they knew behind, they came here looking for something real, something Divine. Loaded with questions, seeking hearts, and eagerly growing faith, the school began.

It is absolutely amazing looking back and seeing how much God moved in our school. I have watched the most broken of hearts encounter the Father's love for the first time. I have witnessed hardened hearts be softened to the presence of the Holy Spirit. Watching 85 strangers become a family is one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. The Lord has been so faithful to each heart, no matter student or staff. We are all His kids, and He has watched out for us, loved us, grown us all this past season. I have had more breakthrough and walking in FREEDOM of being a Daughter than I ever have in my life.

Exactly 1 week from today, I will be heading out with my amaaaaaazing outreach family to Cambodia. We are all quickly gaining His heart for this broken nations and can't wait to get there and share the Love.

Team Fambodia!!!

Our first week there will be spent living in a village, ministering to orphans. After that, we will be staying with the YWAM base in Battambang, the second largest city. We will be partnering with a variety of ministries in the mornings, and focusing on the youth center that the base runs in the afternoon.

Please be praying for

• Protection over travels
• Favor while we travel
• Health while we are there
• Team unity
• That we all gain a bigger heart for Cambodia
• That we stay completely Spirit-led

Thank you so much for all your prayer and support!

A revelation that has been hitting me over and over these past 4 months has been that I am a daughter and nothing more, nothing less. Not only that I am a daughter, but there is absolutely nothing in all of eternity that can strip me of this. It's not a job, it's not a label, it's just what I am. I do not need to earn it, I do not need to strive to keep it, I do not have to worry about losing it. This is something that I have always known, but He keeps taking me deeper into this beautiful place in His heart.

The more He shows me that I am His daughter, the more I want to know Him. The more I want to be with Him. The more I desire to see Him. This supernatural hunger for Him has settled on my heart, and I can't get enough of Him. This burning for Him has driven me to a place of intimacy with the Lord, where my heart connects with His. The world has taken the word "intimacy" and twisted it into something sensual. The correct definition of intimacy is "close familiarity or friendship." The Father is SO GOOD! As much as I want to grow closer to Him more, He wants it a million times more. To rest in this fact will brings so much peace, love, and contentment.

The school has lit on fire and is continually having fuel thrown on it. After a speaker cancelled last week, we had a 50 hour burn of straight worship and prayer, pressing in and seeking Jesus. THe Lord broke so many boxes, it was insane. So much dancing, worship, and laughter. The Lord loves have fun.

Our Cambodia team has been marked with family, they are all amazing!!! We grow closer every week as we gain God's heart for Cambodia. We will be leaving in a month to go to Cambodia and we are getting so excited to see God move there. PLease be keeping us in your prayers as we get ready to leave, thank you so much!

"where you cease, I will begin"

What once began as a simple pluck on my heart strings to grow near Him, has turned into a pull. That pull has drawn me in deep. Deep into Him, deep into intimacy, deep into His presence.

The simple concepts that He wants to show me end up being the very things I complicate the most. Being a daughter to the Father turned into a place of striving and fear of disappointing. It became something organized, my own agenda. Instead of being led by His spirit, I created my own check list that I was sure would take me deeper into His heart. What I thought would bring me closer only lead to a place of being unrestful, unsatisfied, and frustrated.

We were in a time of worship last Friday as a class, and I was going through an internal battle of not being able to tap into the presence that I knew lived in me. I couldn't focus, my mind was scattered, and my heart began to harden a bit. Towards the end, we all laid on the ground to just soak to the music that was being played. I told the Lord that I gave up trying to get closer to Him. I tried everything. I read the right verses, prayed the right words and yet I didn't seem to be where I wanted to be. That was when He spoke. "My Daughter, stop. Only I can take you to those Heavenly places. You can't. So stop, and let me. I want it even more than you, so let me do the work"

It was then that I realized how I had taken my relationship with the Lord into my own hands. I knew where I stood with Him, I knew where I wanted to go deeper, and I thought I knew the best way to achieve that. The desire to be nearer to Him was real, but in striving, I forgot my first and only identity of being His daughter. As I laid on the classroom floor, He showed me a picture of a wall. Not a flimsy drywall, but a thick rock wall held together by concrete. The moment I stopped doing my own thing was when He was able to break a hole into that wall. As the light shone through that broken rock wall, I felt His peace wash over me.

He has spoken so clearly to me a phrase over and over this weekend "Where you cease, I will begin." Where I cease striving, He begins. Where I cease my own agenda, He begins. Where I cease control, He begins.

The students are here and they have hit the ground running! God showed up in amazing ways this first week. We have over 80 students in the school, and none of them are holding back, they are just going for it! It has been so encouraging to see and it boosts me forward in my own faith. Last Saturday we had a party for them just to hang out and get to know each other. It was fun to see them all get to know each other, but the best part was that the Lord just showed up. Day 2, and we ended a party with an amazing worship sessions where you could tangibly feel God's love.

Yesterday, we announce outreach teams, ahhh! Myself and the incredible Chris Little will be leading 10 fabulous, rad, amazing students to Cambodia in september. We feel the joy of the Lord all over our team, and I am SOOOOOOO excited to see how He is going to use us while we are there.

God has been doing such a deep work in me, I can not even fully express it in words, which can be so frustrating. It is so deep that my mind can not even fully understand what is going on. All I know is that it is a good thing, slowly anchoring my faith deeper and deeper in Him. Some day my mind will catchup to what is going on in my soul, but until then, I am just learning to rest and trust in Him.

Please continue to pray for the outpouring of God's love and grace on our class as we head into our first week of lectures. God is going to do so much with this class, and I am so excited to see where we will all be in just 6 months :)

Love you all,

Kristi

Sorry, y'all, for the lack of updating! Life back on the big island has been crazy busy, yet so so so good. Here are a few things that have been going on...

Our Awaken staff family is growing and going strong. We spent the earlier half of this week at the YWAM Makapala retreat on the north side of the island together. The time we spent in prayer, worship, sharing testimonies, and just having fun brought us closer together and to the Lord.

Makapala Sunset

I have prayed for passion for Jesus for so long, and I am finally receiving what I have asked for. And now that it is here, I don't know what to do with myself. When the Lord places you in a group of people passionately pursuing God, He is going to bring stuff up in your life that He wants you to work on because you are with people that He trusts to help you walk it out. Some nasty junk in my heart came bubbling up to the surface the last couple of weeks that I had been pushing down for quite some time now. It's ugly and gross and icky and I didn't want to see it, so I shoved it down deep so no one, not even myself, could see it. But it's still there. I know it, and God sees it. He has called me to a higher standard, to be refined like the gold, and to do that, He needs to pull all that stuff to the surface to wipe it away. I am so grateful for all that He has done in my life, especially in the last year. The supernatural desire I have to just know Him is being filled, which in effect, causes me to want even more of God. And I am not going to stop seeking Him above all else.

11 days....

A week from Thursday, about 100 Awaken DTS, and 300 Circuit Riders (click here for Circuit Rider info) will be arriving on base with a hunger for Jesus. This summer is going to be a major outpouring of the Spirit, revelations of Jesus, and heart connections with the Father. I can only imagine all that He is going to do this summer...

Please be praying for

• Staff as we continue to grow and prepare for the students
• The school and that all the Lord wants to do will be fulfilled
• Finances- I will need about $2,500 for outreach [location will be announced mid July :)]

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. And we who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit" 2nd Corinthians 3:17-18

Israel

We have made it back to Kona after our very successful trip to Israel! Although we were in the Holy Land for only 2 full weeks, the Lord opened many doors, blessed us in ways we could not have thought of, and taught me a few good (and well needed) points in such a short time.

Intercession: The power of intercessory prayer was brought up many times while on this trip. I once believed that intercession (prayer on the behalf of others) was just a simple act of us telling God what we believe He wants. While that is true, He showed me that intercession is not just praying for others to God, it is literally standing up to Satan and telling him that we will no longer put up with what he is doing. Walking around the old city, praying in our hearts, was kicking satan in the face because we willingly went to an area of great deception to pray for those who do not believe.

View of Mount Zion, where the Old City is

Reality: I mentioned it in the last blog, but the raw reality of Jesus hits hard while walking where He once walked. All the fluff that has been built up in my mind has now been replaced with images of where He lived, walked, died and rose. He once again reiterated in me that faith is not a feeling. He did not die for me to get a warm fuzzy feeling, he died to save me from my own sin. To hold on to the knowledge that what He did for us 2,000 years ago, even though we will never be able to fully grasp it, is faith.

Jesus' Empty Tomb

On the first day of walking around the old city of Jerusalem, an anticipation rolled over me. The lyrics to Misty Edward's song "people get ready" resonated with in me. "He's not a baby in a manger anymore, He's not a broken man on the cross, He didn't stay in the grave, and He's not staying in heaven forever." It has been promised in the Word that He WILL come back someday. We are to be ready, and not assume it will happen after our life time. We are to be fighting for the lost. We are to be standing in the gap, interceding, for those who have not heard. He will come like a thief in the night, and I do not want to be sleeping and miss His call.

Mount of Olives behind me, where Jesus will return to

The Team: We had an amazing team of 4 that joy was consistently flowing out of. This was a glory team that only God could have thought of. I am so thankful for these 2 ladies and 1 fella that the Lord has me travel with :)

Sam, Shawna, myself, and Chantal at the Dead Sea

What's Next: Most of the Awaken crew is now back in Kona and the rest will be trickling in over the next week. We will begin staff training tomorrow. I am so excited for what the Lord has us as staff, a school, and a campus for the rest of this year. It will be quite the adventure :)

We have been in Israel for more than a week now, totally basking in the blessings of the Lord. We stayed in Tel Aviv for the first week and made our way to Jerusalem 2 days ago. So much has happened in my heart since entering this nation, especially since being in Jerusalem.

The reality of Jesus is right in front of me. We are staying in a house across the way from Mount Zion and Mount of Olives. The very place where the greatest act of love in all of history is a 30 minute walk away. To walk where Jesus walked, to look up and see the same piece of sky that Jesus once gazed at, to touch the gateway that Jesus entered through all those years ago is so surreal. And mind blowing. All at once.

Up until this point, I had sort of "fantasized" Jesus, the man himself and his life. I knew the truth if who He was and what He has done, but I had made him some distant character who lived in a magical place called Jerusalem. I expected a light hearted, fluffy feeling while being in his homeland. What I got instead was the crushing, beautiful reality of Jesus the LIVING man. What my head already knew as "fact" crossed the territory into my heart. The resounding knowledge of what was done here. The guilt and sins of every person who lived, is living, and ever will live has been wiped away in this very place. The realness of Jesus is not a feeling. The realness of Jesus is that he once walked on this earth, died for us, rose from the dead, and now sits with the Father, waiting to take his bride home.

"When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross" Colossians 2:13-15.

The place that this happened is a real place. The people who nailed him to the cross were real people. The man who died is a real man. This man longs to know his children. He calls to us, day and night, reaching out to us. Take His hand, let Him lead you. He never lets go.

The battle within

"For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live" Romans 8:13

I can't tell you how many times I have read this verse and let it slip through my mind without giving it a second thought. It is something that I chose not to pay attention to, because it is something that I did not want to do. I wanted to live my life, my way, and no one was going to tell me otherwise. Because my way was always better. My way was less painful. My way was easier. I couldn't understand that there was something far better past the downfall of flesh.

These past few weeks, however, God just keeps bringing it up again and again. All of these little worldly desires that I have accumulated over the course of my life had dug their claws deep into my flesh. I became accustomed and comfortable to these claws that I didn't want them to leave. It would be so strange to live a life with out them.

Yet, He is still doing a new thing in my soul. He has grace and mercy enough to not let my own flesh deceive me into thinking it has more to offer than the Father. As painful as it is, my flesh is being put to death. And I am ever so glad. My spirit and flesh are at war with each other, and for the first time, the Spirit is winning. These claws are being extracted, and the wounds they caused are beginning to heal. I welcome it, because I will now live freely, unhindered, able to run because the weight of this world is no longer on me.

It isn't a quick or enjoyable process. But the more my worldly desires break off from me, the more of Heaven's perspective I receive. The more I receive, the more I welcome it. The more I welcome it, the more I want it.

Set Ablazed

"if you are who God made you to be, you will set the whole world on fire" - St. Catherine.

These words spoken during the royal wedding carry the weight of truth. We were all created with such divine purpose, and that purpose was to set the world on fire for God. "Then God said, 'Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness...'" Gen 1:26a. We were created in PERFECT IMAGE. God did not create each of us to be complacent and ignore the calling on our lives. He created us to love Him, be loved by Him, and love others.

We often loose sight of our original purpose to know this Love and be set on fire for it. We get blind sighted by our culture, the media, our own selfish desires. We settle for the things right in front of us. We become dull to His voice, to His presence. But when we hold on to the truth that we were perfectly created with divine purpose, our hearts will be set ablaze. As our blazing hearts go out into our town, our country, the nations, little fires are started all over the world. Those little fires grow and grow and grow until the world has been set on fire. A fire that won't stop because it is eternally fueled by a Greater Love. Good praise music is not what set us on fire. Reading a christian book is not it either. It is encountering the Heavenly father, letting Him capture your heart, shape it, mold it, and refine it that lights it up.

Hold on to the truth. Hold on to your knowledge of why you are here. Be who you were created to be, not what the world tells you. Do this, and a fire will start in your soul. Once the Spirit starts a fire, it cannot be put out (1st Thes 5:19).

Israel News

Our tickets have been bought! We will be leaving May 11th and returning to Kona May 30th. For more information about the trip/support, please visit www.awakenisrael.blogspot.com

Prayer Requests

• As a team, we need about $2,000 more for living expenses while there.
• Safe travels
• Clear direction for where to stay, who to contact, ect.

Once again, God has done some crazy things. Thank you everyone who has supported me financially and prayerfully. It means more than you know.

Israel- meet the team

It's finally happening! As May creeps closer, the final details about Israel are being smoothed out, plane tickets are being bought, and we are preparing our hearts to go to the Holy Land. From May 11th to May 30th, 4 of us will be going to Israel to scout out potential mission opportunities, meet with different ministries, pray over the land, walked where Jesus walked, and receive impartation from the Lord.

Chantal Marquez

Kristi Zboncak

Shawna Schlenker

Sam Choi

Chantal, Shawna, and myself will leave the Big Island on the 11th and arriving in Israel on the 13th. Sam will be meeting us from Whales on the 15th. Chantal has a huge heart for Israel. She was the one that God first planted the seed in to do a scouting trip in Israel. She staffed my school last year and will be doing so again this year. Shawna has an immense heart for the lost and for Jesus. She staffed last year as well and will be again this year. Sam is an amazing guitarist and will be leading worship for us, if need be. He staffed Awaken last year but the Lord has different plans for him this year.

I am so excited for this trip. We are still figuring out the details of where we will be staying and praying for money to come in this weekend so we can purchase flights. We know that Israel is definitely where we are supposed to be, so we know He will get us there :)

Thank you for all your prayers and support!

Truth.

Carrie is a woman I met yesterday at the rock wall by the ocean. 4 of us were sitting down, and Carrie and her friend John walked up to us. They were older, they were friendly, they were drunk. At 3 in the afternoon.

The guys talked to John while Shawna and I talked to Carrie. We both instantly saw the desperate desire for love in her eyes. The cracks in her heart. She was in so much need of healthy attention, healthy love, a friend, a shoulder to cry on, truth. As she told parts of her story to us, my heart cracked. The more she talked, the wider the crack got. The more she shared, the louder my prayers were in my soul. Here sat a woman who had no idea who she was. She was lost. Her relationship with her family is broken, she hasn't been sober in 10 years, and she was thirsty for something real. Something that will last.

She bared a bit of her soul to us, a bit of the innocent and broken child of God that has been buried by alcohol and drugs. As she spoke, she played with my bracelets, rested her head on Shawna's shoulder. We offered to pray for her and she took it up. Only a few words were spoken before tears rolled down her cheeks. She was so in need of this love. So in need to hear that she was worth something. That she was loved. She was not forgotten. Her cries were heard.

Carrie represents so many lost people of our culture. These children of God are broken, beaten, filled with lies, mistreated. And all they want is a true relationship. What would the world looked like if these children heard what was true? What their real Father thinks of them?

According to Carrie, she is a drunk. Worthless. Dumb. Sick. This is what she has been told. This is what she believes.

According to Jesus, Carrie is beautiful. Worth it. Precious. A Daughter. This is truth.

The battle to share the truth is on.

Known.

"Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God—or rather are known by God..." Galatians 4:8-9a.

That five letter word carries so much weight. Known.

To be known. To be aware of. To be certain. To recognize.

God Knows us. Inside and out.
He is aware of us. Of our every movement.
He is certain we are His. Never will let us go.
He recognizes us. Because He hears our voice.

We only know the small part of God that has revealed himself to us. But He knows us in full. He knows us more than we know Him. He knows us more than we know our selves. When we are at a loss for words, when we are speechless, when we are hurt and raw, when we are happy beyond words, he knows. No explanation necessary. No long story to get your point across. No awkward silences.

You are known. You are loved. You are cherished.

Kona kona kona!

I finally made it back to the Big Island yesterday after a fantastic visit with my family in Arizona. Thank you so much for all your prayers for safety!

Since being back, all in just 1 day, the Lord has already laid much on my heart for what is going to be done this year. Community is going to be huge. We are going to become a big, loud, fun, loving, growing, encouraging family. Personally, He is going to show me more and more of who I am in Him. I need no one else, just Him. He is going to show me who I am in Him, who I am to others around me, how He is going to use me.

Back to basics. He is going to take me back to the basics with Him. I love Kona and YWAM. I truly do. However, even though it is a Christian community, it can be very distracting. I do not want to confuse being surrounded by amazing friends, awesome worship, and listening to spirit filled speakers as growing closer to God. That is all happening on the outside, and I want the change to be on the inside. So we're going back to the basics of just HIm and Me. Just Jesus and Kristi. I'm so pumped to see where I am going to be by the end of this year. In just 6 short months, God did so much. I can't even imagine what He is going to do for the next 9.

Israel- The Lord is moving! As we draw closer to the time to go, we have been pressing in and seeing what God has in store for us while we are there. A common theme that we have gotten is that God is going to impart on us to bring back to the Awaken school. We do not know what this is or what it looks like, but we are stoked to find out what it is. We are in need of a guy worship leader to go with us, so please be praying that God brings one to us :)


Finances- The cost for Israel will be around $2,500. Please be praying that this comes in! I know it will! Thank you so so so much to everyone who has contributed to by journey with YWAM. It means more to me then you know.

My address here in Kona is

University of the Nations
75-5851 Kuakini Hwy #318
Kailua-kona, Hi 96740

Cookies are completely welcomed :)

Rejoice for disgrace

"His speech persuaded them. They called the apostles in and had them flogged. Then they ordered them not to speak in the name of Jesus, and let them go. The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name. Day after day, in the temple courts and from house to house, they never stopped teaching and proclaiming the good news that Jesus is the Messiah." Acts 5:40-42

The apostles were performing miracles and speaking truth.The people heard, saw, and believed. The Sadducees were enraged by this, and sent them to prison. These men of Jesus were held behind bars, their bodies beaten, mocked in every way, all because the high priests and his friends were jealous of what they had. Yet when the apostles were released, they became filled with joy because they were persecuted for the proclaiming the name of Jesus. Despite what they had just endured, they never stopped sharing the Good News. They knew what would happen if they continued to share the Love of Jesus, but they never stopped.

Can I say I would do the same? Would I willingly have my freedom stripped of me, my flesh torn, my dignity taken, be disgraced, all for the sake of a name? Would I joyfully do it again and again and again? Would I go to every corner of every city, door to door, person to person, proclaiming the love of Jesus, knowing what kind of suffering awaited me?

I pray that I would. I would never ask to be put in a position like that, but I pray that if it ever came down to it, that my faith in the Holy Spirit within me would keep me strong, joyful, and willing. Even though I am blessed enough to live in a nation where I would not be imprisoned for my beliefs, I still pray for that fiery passion that can not and will not be put out.

We are called to have this urgency that the apostles had every day no matter the nation we are in, free or broken. We should be willing to endure hardship all the time, not only when we are in a "forbidden" place. Our passion should be stirred up just knowing there are places like this that must hear about the Savior. It should be stirred knowing that there is something so Great in our lives that some countries try to force it out of their nation. Those are the countries that would explode in the Spirit, and Satan knows it. Hence, illegal Christianity.

So let us go forth with urgency. Let us go forth with knowledge. Let us go forth, being led by the Sprit. Let us go forth, willing to be considered disgraced for a Name.

"Do not put out the Spirit's fire" 1 Thessalonians 5:19

Boxes

We all got 'em. We think we can confine God. But we can't. We try and cram him into little boxes that we can conveniently put in our pocket and only take out when we need Him. He becomes our back up plan, our safety blanket, our secret weapon when our own fail us. I personally don't even realize I do it until He is breaking them, shattering them into tiny little pieces, leaving me with the most dumbfounded look on my face, because it didn't even cross my mind that He could do that.

He is going to break so many boxes this year. In my own life, in the DTS students life, my friends, my family. He is beyond ready to show us how big and powerful He is. He is not a God who sits in a church waiting for us to visit an hour on Sundays and twiddles His thumbs the other 167 hours in the week.

He is slowly fracturing the box I put Him in about money, but He is about to break it wide open. As I was driving home today, God gave me a picture of Him playing baseball. Yes, Jesus was standing at home plate in a baseball uniform, poised to smash the ball out of the park. When the ball crossed the plate, however, it turned into a glass box stuffed with dollar bills. He hit it full force, the glass turned into a rain shower of glass dust, and the money flew. Its going to happen. I know it.

I am so grateful when support checks come in. A little whooping and hollering goes on in our house. Support raising is going much slower the second time around, however. My 6 month staff fees are taken care of, but I am still about $6,000 short for Israel and outreach. $2,000 of that needs to be here within a month. I have absolutely no idea how its going to get here, but I am sure that I will have that same dumbfounded look upon my face when it does.


If you feel led to support me on my next 9 month journey with YWAM, please email me at kzboncak@blogspot.com. You all mean more to me than you know, you are forever impacting my life.

"Arise! Shine! For your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you" Isaiah 60:1

Update.

This is going to be the most random blog ever, as I am going to update y'all on all aspects of my life. Here we go.

Personally- Remember that little roadblock I had? It went on strong for a while longer. Praise the Lord for encouraging family members and friends, who I can call on for prayer day or night. Peace is such an amazing thing. I may not be hearing His voice, or feeling iIs presence lately, but His peace is all up on me, as is HIs grace. When I put God on the back burner and get caught up with my life here on earth, He gently pulls me back to Him with His grace and mercy. He is so good.

Friends- I don't know what the deal is, but it seems like this past week, Satan has picked fights with all my close friends. I'm getting pretty sick of it. A bunch of us have been down in the dumps recently, but we have learned together that its not up to us to fight the evil one. It is Him who is in us that takes on our battles. These attacks encourage us that we are doing something right. We want to know Jesus to the fullest while here on this earth, to see His children rescued, to see hope brought to those forgotten by the world, to love those who have never been loved. Satan does not like this. Nope, not one bit, and he lets us know that by putting us down, giving us annoying thoughts, miserable feelings, and a sense of unease, but he can never take away the fire within us. (Romans 8:38). (Also, you should listen to the podcast "Opposition" by Joshua Harris. It may be the best thing you ever listen to. )

Israel- This isn't so much as an update as a piece of news :) About a month ago, I had a dream that I was on stage praying for Israel at a prayer conference in front of hundreds of people. This rocked me, as I have never given Israel much thought before. Little did I know that God started to prep my heart during that very dream for a bigger journey than I could have ever dreamed up. In May, I will be going with some Awakeners to that very nation. Our time there will be spent gaining a heart for Israel, as God's beloved. All nations are on the Lord's heart, but He has SO MUCH history with this nation, and He longs for her to return to Him. We will also be setting up logistics there for possible future endeavors.

Travels- Tomorrow, I get to go visit my brother, friends, and so many wonderful people from YWAM in CALIFORNIA!!! It is going to be an amazing, fabulous, splendid time. In 3 weeks, I am going to Arizona to see family and friends that I have not seen in YEARS. I am so pumped to spend quality time with them. From there, I go on to Kona. It makes my head spin just thinking about it.

Fund Raising- AH! God is so good! Surprise checks! Unexpected donors! Church support! Jesus has already put me well on my way to reaching my goal for staffing DTS. However, I am about to see just how much He really does provide when He asks us to do something. Israel in May will cost several thousand dollars additionally to what I am raising for staffing. I am confident that if this is what the Lord wants me to do, then I have nothing to worry about financially. He does not call us to a country and then leave us high and dry. I have no idea how He is gonna do it, but He will :) If you would like more information on donating financially, please contact me at kzboncak@hotmail.com

THANK YOU to all who have supported me this past year and continue blazing down this path. You mean more to me than you know. May you feel His love and peace each and every day.

Roadblocks

Your driving down your street on the way to somewhere important. You have gone down this road countless times before, you drive it without a second thought. You round the corner, happily singing along to some tunes, and then BAM- a road block, keeping you from your destination. We all experience that quick second of confusion and anger, even though it is something as silly as a roadblock, tacking on an extra minute to our travel time. "What is this? I didn't know about this! What is going on? I have to get there! What am I going to do?! Oh wait, I'll just take the next street over..."

Lately, I have been experiencing this "roadblock" with Jesus. I woke up a week ago with this absent feeling and all I could think was "UGGGGH. What is going on?" I had been doing so well on my walk with God since I had been back. But now God was silent, I wasn't feeling His presence, and I threw a pity party about it. I moped around in my heart because I wasn't experiencing what I wanted to. Sunday night, however, he laid a few surprising thoughts on my heart.

First of all, a trial is not a set back. When you aren't hearing what you want, or feeling what you want, that does not mean you are taking a step back or doing "bad" with God. All it is, is that He chooses to be quite for a minute. But the lies from the enemy can twist this "silence" into making us believe God doesn't want to talk to us. That is the furthest thing from the truth that could ever be.

Second, I had a choice. A year ago, it was my default to fall back on myself. I would forget my problem and pretend all is well, or I would forget God. Thats what I thought my options were. This time, my options were to ignore the problem, ignore God, or fight through it, and in the end see some growth. This was a chance to see how much I actually trusted Him. To see if I still believed His truth, even though I wasn't hearing it.

Trials are tough and certainly not any fun. We all have them, we don't have a choice with that. But we do have a choice about what to do with those trials. Trials is what builds us up, and persevering through them is what shapes us to be who we are. My challenge to myself is to embrace my trials, to learn from them, to grow in them.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2-3

Jehovah-Jireh

"So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth"

More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz basically sums it up. Nothing you have done will ever stop grace from covering you. There is nothing we can do to escape it. All we can do is choose to accept it. Even when we turn away from grace, its still all over us, thanks to the cross. We listen to the lies that what we have done, the places we have been, the people we have hurt, the past choices we have made have disqualified us from the love of our Father. Jesus doesn't look at what we have done, He looks at who we are, who were created to be, His prized possession. He looks into the hearts of His children, not at our blemished pasts. We can tell ourselves how much we don't deserve it, which we don't, but that will never change the fact that it is offered to each and everyone of us at every moment of everyday. Thats what true love is, baby! If He forgives the mistakes of prostitutes (Luke 7:36-50), sorcerers (Acts 8:9-13), and a Jew persecutor (Acts 22:2-10), then He will surely forgive mine and your as well :)

PRAISE to Jesus that my church will be funding me by paying for my staffing fees for the 6 months living in Kona!!! This is a ginormous blessing! All funds that come in from here on out will go towards my 3 month outreach. Thank you for all your support, prayers, and words of encouragement. Everything prayer you say, every dollar you donate is going towards the building of the Kingdom :)

Be Still

A friend gave me a verse to read the other day. One that I have read a hundred times, but this time, it was different.
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10.

In the past, when I have read this verse, my thoughts never ventured further than a nice sentiment about God. I never actually took this verse for its meaning. In actuality, this verse consists of 2 commands, commands that I have yet to follow through with.

The first, BE STILL. Absolutely still. I must stop what I am doing. I must put down what I am holding. I must stop moving. I must be still before the Lord. I must give Him my attention. He is my creator, and He deserves more than me trying to multitask Him into my day, which I am more than guilty of.

The second, KNOW. We are called to just know that He is God. To be still and know. Thats it. I make it so much more complicated in my head. But the truth is so simple. We are command to sit and rest in the knowledge that GOD JUST IS.

Not going to lie, it can be really hard to do. To sit still and think about God and nothing else is like asking a 4 year old to sit out of recess. I am alway itching to do something, and there is a busy world around me full of things to do. It doesn't help either that my mind wanders down a new path every 10 seconds. I will start by thinking about God and within a minute I am planning my outfit for a bachelorette party that is still a month away. Taking this verse for the literal meaning is a HUGE lesson in discipline. I am disciplining my mind to focus on something that I will never understand, to put aside the tasks that "need" to be done, to stop thinking about myself for 20 minutes and think about something greater. It's tough, but SO good for my soul. Spending solid time with nothing to distract is an excellent time of growth, because nothing is drowning out His presence, His emotions, His voice, His love.

Support raising- I have gotten my support letters out and have already had a couple responses, yay! Thank you again who have all been supporting me and my decision to go back to YWAM through prayer and financial support. It makes a greater impact than you will ever know.

Prayer- Finances, that I use my time wisely while I am at home, for my fellow staffers as we all get ready to head back in the next couple months, and for the future of our school as we all get ready to be rocked by the Sprit :)

Who Defines Me

My blog title is a work in progress in my own life. I am working on what my own definition of beauty is. For too long I have let this world tell me what beautiful is, and that I don't fit into that description, and I never will. I have beat myself up time and time again for not being thin enough, being too tall, having the wrong kind of hair, not having a perfect nose. You name it, I hated it. I would tear everything apart from my head to my feet, from the number of freckles on my face to the spacing of my toes. Everything of my anatomy has been studied, ridiculed, and declared "not good enough" by my own mind.

Not only would I judge my outward appearance, but my personality as well. Never funny, clever, witty, or smart enough. Always said the wrong thing. I ripped apart everything about myself, in and out, thinking that God somehow made a mistake 21 years ago when He created me to be how I am today. That nobody could possibly love me (besides my family, and that is only because they had to). I was just too awkward, weird, and ugly. The worst lie of all that I heard -I was the only one that had these thoughts. "when he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies" (John 8:44). Satan whispers lies to us from the day we were born, and we so easily accept them.

I am DONE listening to the lies that had once run my life. I want to start living my life as the person that I was created to be, not the person that tries to fits into the status quo of this modern world. I want my definition of beauty to be completely pulverized and rebuilt by the One who invented beauty. I will no longer let magazines, television, movies, and other products of our culture define who I am or who I should be. I am much more than a physical body, as are you.

We are BEAUTIFUL. Jesus, the most perfect, unblemished, beautiful thing ever lives within us. We were fearfully and wonderfully made. We are the most perfect thing He has ever created. He didn't put us higher than angels as a fluke, it is because we are his favorites! It makes me so giddy! So lets start living by how the One who lives in us views us. We are nothing with out Him, but with Him we are perfect, whole, wonderful, beautiful.

"For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory" Colossians 3:3-4

The Time Is Now

I read a verse today. It hit a spot in my heart.

"The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now that when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of the darkness and put on the armor of light" Romans 13:11-12.

I need to wake up. I need to realize that I am not going to be here forever. I need to start sharing since it is what God has asked of me. I love knowing my creator, knowing that he cares more about my problems that I do, knowing his plans are infinitely better than my own. That even though there are much bigger issues out there (Haiti, AIDS, world starvation) than my own problems, he cares about me and loves me so much that he sits down with me, talks to me about it, lets me vent, picks me up, carries me. Nothing is too big or to small. He asks us to throw our problems and worries and fears and hopes and dreams on him. And he LOVES to do it! He loves when we call on him, he loves to take on our problems, he loves to co-labor with us. He loves it when we tell him the secrets in our souls, he loves it when we truly share our hearts to Him, not just tell Him what we think He wants to hear. He wants us to wake up and to fully understand what we have in Him, who we truly are.

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs- heirs of God, and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory" Romans 8:17.

He is waiting for us to walk in our true identity. He is waiting to share His glory. He is waiting for us to realize that no matter what we have done, he has erased it. When we accept that, we become heirs. We become princes and princesses. Heaven is waiting for us. And its REAL. It is something that we will experience one day. It is not just a distant hope, but a place that awaits us. We all need to walk in the knowledge that we were created for something more than 100 years on this earth. Our identity is in Heaven. No matter who you are, or what you have done. There is no exception. There is no ifs, ands, or buts. We are all called to be royalty.

We need to get to know Jesus before we can share Him. How can we share something we don't know about? All those questions deep down that we have about Him, he is waiting to answer. All we need to do ask. So ask away. Ask all you want. Don't hold back. He already knows those questions, since he put them there, which means He has the answers. Now is the time to be asking questions. Now is the time to seek his face. There could never be a more perfect time! He is waiting.

2 years ago, I hear about YWAM. I was distant from God.
1 Year ago, I thought more about YWAM. Still distant from God, and getting angry about it.
7 months ago, I was probably freaking out about packing for Kona, looking forward to a heart change.
4 months ago, I said goodbye to all my amazing friends from DTS, and took off for Haiti. I was much more aware of my Creator's presence in my life.
1 month ago, I stepped back into my life in Wheaton, Illinois. Completely different.

I still can't believe all that has taken place in my life in the past year. I was trying to decide what school I wanted to go to at this point down the road in 2010. Now here I stand, having gone to Hawaii, Haiti, and completely, fully, unashamedly in love. (and tan). The Lord has been so good to me. So much grace, it abounds to no end. I will never understand it. Ephesians 3:17-19 says it all. "..I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." We are called to be firmly rooted in love. Everything we do, everything we say, must be done out of love. We can only accomplish this by knowing the ultimate Love. Get to know Him, He won't let you down. Don't let your first try getting to know Him be your last try. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9.

He will reward our every effort to get to know Him. So I will continue to do so, all the rest of my days.

Oh, hello 2011. What do you have in store for me this year?

20 days ago, I was hopping on a plane, leaving a beautiful sunny island and heading towards a wintry tundra, a.k.a Wheaton. I think my body went into shock the moment I stepped out of the airport. It has been so good seeing family and friends these last couple of weeks, catching up with them and seeing what is new in their lives.

As I was unpacking last night (yes, it has been 3 weeks and I have just now gotten around to unpacking), I came across my very first journal which started a year ago. I read some of the first entries...oh, how I have changed in the last year! It was like reading the thoughts of a completely different person. Someone who was lost, confused, angry, filled with self hatred, but was longing for something far greater. She didn't know how to achieve it. She knew she wanted to know God, to be loved by Him, to know Him, but she had no idea how to get there. She was out of faith, and running low on hope. The Lord heard her cry, and sent her packing to Kona, Hawaii. For 6 months, He had her to just Himself, with no distractions from back home. He showed her love in ways she didn't know possible. Gold dust, witnessing miracles, life-long/soul-deep friendships. He broke her wrong views of Him. He was not a little god, confined by time and emotions somewhere out in the universe. He was alive, He cared, He loved, He dances over her. He was not disappointed, He did not make a mistake, and He has a HUGE plan for her, even in the moments when she can't see it.

One of my big break through moments with Jesus was my last week in Haiti. I was having a bummer day so I was sitting outside looking at the dark sky spotted with stars, listening to "Do you know the way you move me" By Cory Asbury. As I was listening to it, something clicked in my brain. It seemed like the music stopped, Cory slowed, and he was speaking, not singing. "God is saying, do you know the way you move him? YOU. Not just human kind, but YOU. YOU, KRISTI, HIS BELOVED" And then the tears started. Then God showed me a picture of myself sitting at a table with a hundred M&M's (my best friend in Haiti). One of the M&M's fell of the table, but I didn't care because I still had 99. Then it switched to Jesus sitting at the table and a hundred people on it. One of the people walked off the edge, but Jesus flipped out and did everything he could to catch them, clean them up, and put them back on the table. He showed me through this that He loves us ALL the same amount, but shows us in different ways. That EACH AND EVERY ONE of us are dear and near to His heart. He uses the poor, the murderers, the sorcerers, the prostitutes, and the tax collectors in the Bible to demonstrate love, so I am no exception. This is the Jesus that I am in love with. The one who catches me when I fall, who brushes the dirt of my knees when I trip, and walks with me the rest of the journey to pick me up when I stumble (which will be a lot).

For the next few months, I will be nannying and doing various ministries. In April, I will once again be living on a big island in the middle of the ocean :) I am getting so excited for staffing. I already love these students, which sounds creepy but I have been praying tons for them, and the Father has given me His heart for them. I am excited to see them transform, just like I did. I am excited to be challenged and see how I myself will change.

Thank you for your love, prayers, and support. They mean more to me than you know :)

"But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy." Titus 3:4