Graduation

Well, tonight was the night. Our last time together as a family. We gathered, we ate, we graduated. We laughed, we loved, we hugged, we cried. I can not believe that I have only known these people for less than 6 months. It seems like a lifetime. They know me more than I know myself, it seems. They have seen me in the best of times, they have seen me in my worst. They watched me struggle, they prayed for me, they watched me fall in love with Jesus. They blessed me, loved on me, encouraged me. They love me and I love them. We are a family, that is what we do. Seeing everybody graduate tonight was amazing and beautiful. We came to Kona as strangers, and are leaving as a family. I have brothers and sisters all over the world, who I can call on at anytime. Doing a DTS here in Kona was the best decision of my life.

As I go home, I know things are different. I know that I had a heart change in the last 6 months. Jesus is not a stranger to me. He is not some random guy in the sky, ignoring me. He is my friend, my father, my brother, my husband, my everything. When I heard people describe him like that 6 months ago, I never thought I could have it. But I WANTED it. I was DESPERATE for it. I NEEDED it. He seemed so distant, but the desire for him was more than anything I had ever had. That is how I know he is there, by this supernatural desire to just KNOW him. I questioned at times why I couldn't feel him. Why I couldn't see him. Why I couldn't hear him. And in these last 3 weeks, it all clicked. As long as I had this desire for him, I was never going to give up. This is a desire that needs to be fulfilled and can not be pushed aside. As long as it was there, I was going to keep searching. If I never got a feeling, I was going to search. If I never heard his voice, I was going to search. As soon as that clicked, it all happened. I fell in love. I am in love with a beautiful man named Jesus. I giggle when I think about him and his abundant love and grace, how I don't deserve but he gives it away anyways. I barely know Him, but I love him. Never letting him go. I have the rest of my life to keep falling in love, and I am pumped for it.

The next year of my life is going to be a trip. I am going home to nanny for a few months, but am returning in April to the Kona base. I will be staffing on base for 2 months, and then I will be on staff as a leader in the Awaken DTS summer 2011. I already love these kids, because I already feel the love that Jesus has for them. I am already excited to see the changes that are going to happen in their lives. I am excited to see how God is going to move in the world using these students. I am committed to them 100 percent. I am so excited that the Lord chose to use me to work in these students' lives, to be apart of their heart change, to help them through struggles, to see them fall in love.

I know I have said it before, but I will say it again. THANK YOU TO ALL WHO PRAYED AND SUPPORTED ME IN YOUR OWN WAYS! I will never be able to express the amount of gratitude I have for all of you. Those who I know and those who I don't. YOU made a difference. Every prayer said for our team made a difference. Every tiny encouragement made a difference. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you all. Thank you for being apart of my journey.

From Haiti to home, the adventure doesn't stop

It is hard to believe that just 5 mornings ago, I was in a tent city. 4 mornings ago I was boarding a plane. And this morning, I woke up in a bed in a beautiful home in Orange County, California. Our whole team has been blessed a hundred times over by my leader's family. They graciously took us all into their home and have been treating us as if we were their own children. My leader's mom was even kind enough to drive me and my team mate, Emery, an hour away so we could see our siblings that go to Biola. It was great to get to see my brother a few weeks early :)

One thing that God has shown me since being back form Haiti is this: it doesn't ever end. Outreach never ends, it is just in a different place. Relationship and growth with God never ends. Hardships do not end, but neither do the blessings. Now that I am back in my home country, I need to learn to find balance. Balance between God and life and making sure that God is still the center of everything, especially with all that there is to distract us in the western world.

2 days before we left Haiti, our team went to a tent city that was right across the street from the Palace. We were doing tent delivery and set up. It was by far one of the craziest, hectic experiences while there. When people saw that we had tents, we were immediately mobbed and followed everywhere we went in the city. Although we were never in immediate danger, the Haitian police were called to create some sort of order in the middle of the chaos. I have never seen desperation like that. Ever. People were grabbing us and pulling us, punching each other, screaming and fighting to get to the front of the line, just to receive a 4 man tent, that would hopefully house their whole family and their few belongings. It was experiences like this that made me realize how truly lucky I have it. They can not leave. They have no other option but to live in a tent, that they can not even stand upright in. I was able to leave. I was not born a Haitian, but as an American with a house and family. It is not wrong to be this way, but I will never stop being thankful for it.

Coming to YWAM, doing a DTS, and living in Haiti for 2 and a half months was one of the best decisions of my life. Even though this chapter of my life is almost over, it does not mean that the adventure stops. It does not mean that God is not going to stop working in my heart. It does not mean that I have hit the highlight of my life, and the rest is just a smooth path. My adventure is just starting. Where ever God takes me, it is going to be with purpose. And I cannot wait to see where it goes next.

Thank you so much, to all who have supported me. Thank you for reading my blog and being on this journey with me. I could not have made it through with out all the prayer. As of right now, I have a few options of what to do with my life when I get home. I am going to be praying for clarity in the next few months of what to do next.I am going to be keeping my blog up and running as I go home, so feel free to check in once and a while :)

Love, Kristi

It was nice to meet you, Haiti

TOnight is our last night in Haiti. Surprised? Yeah, so were we. We found out today that our Awaken team will be leaving tomorrow morning and staying in LA for a week before heading back to Kona to debrief as a school. The elections that were held last week were rigged so they will be reheld just a day or so before our original flight was supposed to leave. However, from the election last week, most flights were cancelled for election day and the days that followed. Also, the US embassay called and advise us to leave just to be on the safe side. So, we are peacing out of Haiti a week early and staying in LA for a week with our leader's family.

I love Haiti and my time spent here. I have made friends in tent cities that will always hold a place in my heart. I have held babies that I will never forget. I have seen sights that will be forever branded on my soul. It was tough walking into the local tent city today, knowing that it will be the last time that I ever see these people here on earth. I love them as if they were my friends at home, but I know that I will see them again someday, when we are kicking it up in Heaven.

God has had His hand on us our entire trip. We were protected form disease, rioting, and fire, and I am sure much more that we will never know about. I am thankful for my time here. I am thankful for the peopel I have met. I am thankful for the work that was done on my heart. I am thankful that I have a real house and a real family to go home to. I hope and pray that someday my friends here will also have a family and a home to go to.

Satan is a dumb idiot

Yesterday has by far been the most interesting day in Haiti. The day started off with a last minute trip up into the mountains to visit a hotel that YWAM is looking into buying. As we climbed up the mountain by a tap-tap (sort of like a covered wagon but with a truck-public transportation, Haiti style)the air got cooler, the smell cleaner, the scenery greener, the atmosphere more peaceful. When we reached the hotel, which is still running, it felt like we stepped out of Haiti and into a resort in the mountains of Europe. As we overlooked the misty mountain side, the staff served us coffee and then something amazing happened. Christmas music started playing. Real food was served. We had tears in our eyes, literally. We did not realize until we left Port-Au-Prince how much stress we were under. God was so nice to us- I literally felt like God had something special for each of us there. "Kristi likes Christmas music, so I'm going to have them play it. Kayla like coffee, so I'm going to have them serve it. The boys like meat, so I am going to have them make beef for lunch." It truly was an afternoon from the Lord.

Unfortunately, that relaxfullness (I realize that is not a true word but I can't think of another one) didn't last long. At about 3 AM, we were all woken up to a brilliant light, fire crackling, and loud humming noises. Right outside our gate, a power line snapped and landed on our bus and was electrocuting it. The tires caught fire and smoke was pouring out from every open area. The girls run down the stairs where the boys were already pulling up water from the well (no running water). Each time the electricity flared, the light burned brighter and the humming got louder. The electricity randomly turns on and off here, so we were praying for the power to be turned off so the fire could be put out. We have authority over the spiritual realm and we used it. Lisa, a woman who who came down for the burn, said "In the name of Jesus, SHUT OFF." And it did.

This was straight up an attack form the enemy. Too many things lined up for it to be just a "freak accident." Since we have been in Haiti, chaos has happened all around, but never to us directly. Cholera, riots, hurricane Tomas, all have been attacks but have not harmed. Because they can't. We are soooo protected by the God of this universe. That power line could have snapped during the day while we were loading onto the bus, but it didn't. It could have snapped the other direction and landed on our metal gate and electrocuted the whole house, but it didn't. The sparks should have caught the trees on fire, but it didn't. When attacks from the enemy manifest into the natural realm so we can see it, that could only mean one thing. That Satan is getting pissed off. He sees that we are reclaiming this land, that he lost the battle, that he is no longer in charge here. This is his last stand. Fear is all he has to use against us, and it isn't working. Instead of running around, we gathered around and prayed. What was meant to kill us and induce fear into our souls turned us to the Lord and made us stronger. We are convinced that there were angels guiding that cord down so it did not hit us as it was meant to. Satan must be a dumb idiot to think that he could actually try and catch us on fire. So stupid.

Last night made me realize how REAL the spiritual realm is. We typically don't see it, but when Satan gets that mad at us, it flows into our world, the world we can see. But as usual, God makes it work for our good. It woke me up. It opened my eyes to what we are dealing with. We are breaking off voodoo and Satan hates it. We are taking back what is rightfully God's. Haiti is no longer Satan's and he ain't too happy about it.

I am convinced with out a doubt that your prayers kept us from. We will never know how many other attacks have been sent to us but because of your prayers,l they have been broken off. Thank you for contending for me, for my team, for Haiti. It is making a difference. Keep it up, prayer warriors.

Subtle Miracles

Monday was our last day at the orphanage. We fixed the building up and it looks so much better now, with paint on the walls and debris moved out. I have fallen in love with 2 of the kids there, and although it was hard to say goodbye to them, I have seen a change in them from when I first met them.

Franze, the 3 year old boy orphaned by the earthquake, was silent and reserved the first day I met him. I held him everyday until he fell asleep in my arms. He never uttered a word those first 5 days. He did not play with the other kids and I never saw him eat. But yesterday, he was chasing the other kids, coloring, and running around, butt naked. And he was happy. I saw him eat. I saw him talk with the other kids. He asked me for a crayon so he could color. My friend reminded me that this change in him was a miracle. A miracle does not have to be a big fancy show, but it could be the subtle change in a child's life. I was able to show him love because I was first showed the love of the Father.It was not by my own works that this child has changed, but because of the everlasting love he receives. And for him to receive the love of his Heavenly Father is a miracle. For him to be happy in such poor circumstances is a miracle.

Our team is now fixing up a school so the kids have a place to learn. We have also been going to the local tent city, keeping up with friends that we have made there. The 200 hour burn starts on Friday, so we have been getting ready for that as well. For more information on the burn, or to sign up for an hour to pray, please visit ipray4haiti.com :)

"This is love: not the we loved him, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins" 1st John 4:10

Well, Tomas came and went last week without leaving us with too much damage. The tents all survived with minimal flooding, praise the Lord! We were all stuck in the house, however, due to the rain and wind. What do you get when you add bored 20 year olds, soap, rain, tile floor, and ponchos? Thats right, a slip'n'slide on a balcony.

This week, we have been going to an orphanage about an hour away. There are about 30 kids who live there, most of them orphaned from the earth quake. Today, I held a little boy who was three years old for 3 hours straight. His name is Franze. He had a bloated belly because he was malnourished. Both his parents died in the earth quake. He is confused as to why he is there, so he doesn't talk very much. As I held him, he slowly rested his precious little head on my shoulder, and fell asleep. I was glad that he had some comfort, even for just a few minutes. I want to take him home. It won't be easy to say goodbye to him on friday. Their living conditions are minimal. There aren't enough beds for them, and the few beds that are there are not in good condition and don't have sheets. Most of them have been wearing the same clothes all week. They have simple meals of rice and water. I know God loves them, but it is hard to see His children suffer in this way. They all deserve better.

Yesterday, I was waiting in the truck with another team member while the rest of the team went into the back. The windows were rolled down and people were walking past on the sidewalk. I noticed a teenage girl as she walked past but didn't think much of it. A minute later, she doubled back and started talking to me through the window. She didn't ask for anything, instead she told me her story. She was 16 and her name was Esther. Her parents are both dead and she is now taking care of her two younger sisters. She lives with her aunt but had to quite school so she could work to provide for her younger siblings. I had nothing to give her besides prayer. When I asked her if I could, she said yes with tears in her eyes. I have never in my life felt my heart shatter like it did in that moment. What was I doing when I was 16? Definitely not struggling to survive, let alone take care of 2 other people. Esther has permanently changed my life. I am positive a day will not go by that I will not think about her, the sense of panic and desperation in her voice, and the hope she had when I prayed for her.

We now only have 29 days left. Some days are slow, some days are fast. Next week we are fixing up a school, then the following week is the 200 hour burn. After that, we only have 10 days before we say goodbye to Haiti. Its going to go so fast, but I know that God is going to do amazing work in this last month.

Yesterday was the Day of the Dead here in Haiti. It is considered a holiday so no one was working and kids were out of school. We went to a graveyard to see a voodoo ceremony. Witch doctors and voodoo followers gathered in the middle around a black alter, making sacrifices to a demonic spirit and praying to their dead ancestors. We didn't stay long, but it was long enough to see what goes on physically and spiritually at a voodoo ceremony. It GRIEVES the Father's heart that His children choose Satan and demons over Him. He LOVES them. Satan is out to steal, kill and destroy. HE does not want that for any of His children, and it breaks His heart to watch them do this to themselves, when He just wants to love on them.

On a happier note, the YWAM base we are staying at is a 5 minute walk from a tent city that has about 3,000 people living in it. Every morning, we walk there and just hang out with them, building friendships and understanding the culture more. I love walking in and seeing the children run up to us, with big smiles on their faces. They don't want anything but love and attention, and we are happy to give it to them. Today, Lola ( a team member) and I led a woman to the Lord with the help of a translator. I don't think I have ever done that before and it was amazing to see, knowing that I will someday see her again in Heaven.

A hurricane is on its way, and it is supposed to hit Haiti hard, starting late Friday night. This country has had more death and destruction in the last year than anyone should ever have to deal with. I wish I had the strength that these people have. The strength to carry on, to praise the Lord, to be kind and helpful to others after everything they have has been ripped away, and what little they have now has the possibility to be destroyed in just a few days. Today, I prayed for a woman in the tent city who has 6 kids. Since there is only 1 bed, they all sleep on the gravel ground. She has major health problems and sells bagged water to make a living. As a thank you for praying, she gave me bagged water, and would not accept money for it. It broke my heart to see her smile and thank me, when all I did was pray for her. She has more faith that my prayers work than I did. I pray that I have that kind of faith.

Please be praying for protection for the people in Haiti! Thank you and love you all!

A New Chaos

So it turns out we will have internet once in a while :)
Today was our first full day in Port-Au-Prince. We are staying at the YWAM base here, which is actually a house. A team from Bolivia is here as well as the staff. When F&F join us next week, we will have over 30 people in this house. Only 3 bathrooms. Yeah.

Port-AU-Prince has a whole different feel. I am realizing how well we had at St. Marc, let alone back at home. I now have a new appreciation for flushing toilets, electricity, space, and privacy. On a side note, today was the first day since we have been in Haiti that we have not had rice! yay!


We took a bus tour of the city today to see the impact of the earthquake and learn more about Haiti's history. Some of it is quite disturbing. I have mentioned before that voodoo is popular here in Haiti. It is often mixed with Christianity, giving them a tainted view of what truth is. We went to the largest catholic church here where voodoo sacrifices took place before the quake. The whole place was demolished besides the cross outside, that a statue of Jesus hung from. It was amazing how God showed through the rubble of a voodoo/catholic church that Jesus is the only dependable thing in this world.

We also passed the Capitol Palace, which has almost all caved in. We were told that when the palace was first built, there was a human sacrifice done there where 13 virgins were killed. Their whole government in general is corrupt, but I did not realize how bad until I heard this.

My favorite thing about this base so far is that the girls get to sleep out side on a balcony. 3 of my friends and I fell asleep looking up at the moon and stars with the wind on our face, and the city sounds lulling us to sleep.

Thank you, friends and family, for constantly keeping me and my team in your prayers. They are being heard :)

Port-Au-Prince

Today, we are splitting up. My Awaken team is going to the capitol, while Fire and Fragrance stays behind to help with the outbreak. They will be joining us at the P-A-P YWAM base in about a week.

As of yesterday, there were no new reported cases praise the Lord! People who are sick are still dying, but at least it has slowed down. Since the government has stepped in, they no longer need us to help as much so that is why some of us are leaving. We will begin working with new ministries, which includes orphanages. I am quite excited about this! We have no guaranteed internet so this is possible my last update for a while.

Thank you for the continual prayers and support! They truly are being heard by the Lord, as our team has been protected the whole time, and cholera is slowing down. Please continue to pray for our team as well as Haiti, for spiritual protection as well as physical. Thank you and love you all!

Cholera Outbreak

When we were first told on Wednesday morning that we were not going to the tent cities due to a sickness outbreak, none of us fully expected what it would turn into. What started as a few people dead and dozens sick has escalted into a full blown epidemic, in just 4 days.

It has been confirmed that cholera is the culprit for killing over 200 and sickening over 2,000 people in the bush of Haiti, many of them children. Cholera is spread through human fluid contact and ingesting infected water. There is a river that runs through central Haiti that the tent cities use as their only water source, and it is by that water that Cholera is spreading. Cholera is a bacterial infection that causes excessive diarrhea and vomiting, resulting in dehydration that shuts down the body, within 48 hours of contracting the disease.

The YWAM base we are staying in is about an hour away from the tent cities that are hit the hardest with this disease. The Haitian government has been using this base to drop off water. We have unloaded by hand 3 semi trailers full of water bottles, and have reloaded trucks to distribute water to the tent cities, which is dangerous work. When your children are dying becuase they don't have the means to get clean water, you will not stop at anything to get it to them.

The hospital that many of the sick are going to is about 1 mile from base. It is overrun with sick people. Every bed is occupied, and hundreds more are on the ground on dirty sheets. They have even turned people away becuase of lack of space. We have been doing hospital runs by transporting the sick from the tent cities to the hospital. One woman died in the back of the pickup that Terry, the base leader, was driving to the hospital. When Terry asked some of the boys to disenfect the truck, my mind could not wrap around the fact that a soul left this earth on the back of a truck, 5 feet in front of me, just becuase of dehydration. It is such a curable disease, but because of poverty, they have no means to this cure. The cure is just clean water and a simple antibiotic.

John 10:10 has never seemed more real to me than right now. "The enemy comes like a thief to steal, kill and destroy." First the earth quake, and now this disease. He is stealing the innocense of children, killing of the youth, and destroying families all form this one disease. There must be something about these Haitians. There must be something good in them that satan fears. Why else would he want them dead?

With such a devistating event that is going on around us, there is still hope. Volunteer nurses are staying on base with us and runnign shifts at the hospital. Thousands of water bottles has come in to be distributed. We, as a team, are here to help in anyway we can. There is not a doubt in my mind that we are here for a reason. God knew 4 weeks ago when we first arrived that this would happen, it was no surprise to Him.

Please be praying for Haiti. Pray for the families that have lost loved ones. Pray for those who are sick. Pray for those who have no water. Pray that this ends soon.

Week 4

Tomorrow will mark the 4th week of when we began our journey. It is crazy that almost a month has gone by. We only have 7 weeks left before we say goodbye to this beautiful country and head back to Kona.

Our team spent the last 6 days in Port Au Prince with a Korean ministry to work with the UN to fed tent cities. We had some crazy experiences! At one point, we had people speaking Korean, English, Spanish and French just to communicate with the tent city monitor. When we couldn't find the tent city, we picked up a random Haitian off the street to take us there. I do not think I will never witness another experience like that again. 4 languages all going on at once with a stranger trying to give us directions in a 5th language to a place none of us had ever been to. But we made it!

Port Au Prince is a whole different world compared to St Marc. Chaotic is one word to describe it. The rubble from the earthquake has yet to be cleaned up, so everyone does their business right on the streets. Tents have overtaken every free space, including the medians in the roads. Vendors knock on our windows of the bus, desperate to sell a bottle of Coke to make some cash. Wild dogs, goats, pigs and cows roam the streets eating the trash that is left behind. Yes, you read that right, wild cows and pigs. It is pretty much a free for all when driving. Cars weave in and out of larger trucks while trying to avoid the people dashing across the streets. Haiti has no sort of waste management, so garbage flows freely along the curbs. People wash their feet in muddy rain water that has collected around the drains on street corners.

On Saturday, we made fish bread, a Korean food, and fed 3,000 people in a tent city. While some of us made the fish bread on the spot, other did childrens ministry with tons of kids. They loved to sing and dance, even if it was in English! Any opportunity to show God's love through our love makes an impact on them. Many of these kids only have 1 article of clothing and run around a tent city without their parents knowing or caring where they are. They are hungry for attention, and will do anything for it. We constantly have children on each hips, on our shoulders, and sitting on our laps. And I love it.

Haiti needs an everlasting change. Food and shelter are important, but they fade away in a few days or years. A well rounded president is important, but he will be gone in just 4 years. Missionaries with good intentions are important, but we only come for a few months at a time. The only thing that will make an impact on these people is leaving behind the knowledge of everlasting love. Something that will not rot, waste away, or crumble but something that has ALWAYS been there and will ALWAYS be there. God is the only thing that is everlasting. It is what Haiti needs to have a mind shift. Many Haitians work hard for themselves, but are not willing to work for the country. We even talked to some Haitians who lived in the US but they left because they did not like all the laws and rules we have. Haiti can not change until they have a love encounter from the Father. That is what we are doing here. That is why we were sent here. To rain down love on this country.

Tent Cities

Yesterday, we made our first visit to Temonet, a local tent city. The people who live there are from Port-Au-Prince, Haiti's Capitol city. Their homes were destroyed so they were sent here, to St Marc, far from anything they have ever known, to live in tents.

As I walked up to a group of little kids playing in dirty water, I noticed a baby off to the side. She was crawling alone, trying to eat a rock. I picked her up, she had no diaper on. She was sick with stuffy nose and difficult breathing. I asked all the Haitian women who were there wher he rmother was, but they didn't know. I held the baby for half an hour, watching her little eyes close as I rocked her to sleep. When the time came to go, her mother was still not back, so I left her in a basket with another mother watching over her. She cried as I put her down, reaching up for me to hold her again. Broke my heart into tiny pieces. I wanted to take her home, give her a better life. If only it were that simple.

Being in Temonet has given me new perspective on Haiti. Seeing how they live in a tarp covered home and they were happy about changed my heart. Looking into the dark brown eyes of a 7 year old girl taking care of her little brother changed my heart. Watching 5 year old boys kick an empty water bottle to play soccer changed my heart. Holding a sick baby changed my heart.

I want more. I want more love for these people. I want to know more of God's heart for these people. I want more for them. I want them to know the love that I know. I want their hearts to be captured by the Father. I want Haiti to be changed.

Someday, the world is going to look at Haiti as a beacon of light. They are going to see God by looking at Haiti. Countries around the world will look here and see how a country that was once sold to the Devil 200 years ago is now being governed by God. God is here. God is moving in Haiti.

1st week in Haiti

My first week in Haiti has been an interesting one, full of adventures (riding in the back of a pickup truck with 20 other people during a tropical storm), new foods (raw sugar cane), and God(Yay!).

We spent most of the week doing work around campus. Myself and 2 other girls worked at the school here. We reorganized their library, art room, and cleared out the field next to it (mowing a lawn with a machete is probably the best bicep workout ever). Other people from our team did yard work, cleaning other rooms, and refurbishing the sanctuary. One day, after work duties, we took a trip to the city hospital. White walls. No windows. The sick and the hurt in the same room. Disease everywhere. Every person we talked to had a sad story, but they are so full of hope. They all wanted prayer. Even when we prayed for healing and nothing happened right away, they were so thankful.

Another day, 3 of us went to an orphanage. 1 floor. 5 rooms. 15 kids. 2 adults. 2 meals a day. Rice or protein shake. Not enough toys. Not enough attention. The moment we walked in, they were hugging and kissing us. They didn't even care that we couldn't speak their language. They found ways around it. We danced, we played hand games, they taught us how to count in Creole. The kids melt your heart. They have absolutely nothing but hope and love, and they give it to you.

On Saturday, a group of 10 or so of us girls hiked up one of the hills that surround St Marc. It is a completely different atmosphere up there. Everyone is so relaxed and care free, where is down on the streets they are so busy. When we pass kids, they would just join our group, hiking the mountain with us.

The spiritual realm is so much more evident here than at home. Its the real deal. People worship satan and want to be demonically possessed because they think it is a good thing. The voodoo drums and chants can be heard at night. I can walk into a building and know there is darkness there, becuase my spirit can feel it. Others feel it too. This is where the power of prayer comes into play. What else can we do but call on the power of Jesus? It is not us who is going to change Haiti, but Jesus through us. He is going to cast out the darkness and reclaim Haiti as His child, as they were originally created to be.

I love prayer! here are a few things you can be praying for
-My team as we prepare to go into the tent cities next week
-Finances for the 200 hour burn
-Safety for my team ( no one has been sick yet, PTL!)

Thank you and love you all!

Haiti

How does one even begin to describe Haiti?
The sights: garbage, tents, dirt, crowded, bugs, mountains, green, ocean
The sounds: shouts, thunder, rain, dogs barking, roosters crowing, voodoo drums
The smell: trash, sweat, damp
The taste: beans, rice, warm water, dirt
the touch: cold showers, dirt, hot
The people: smiles, laughter, hugs, kisses, prayers, smooth dark skin, talk, happiness, joy, hope

How come these people have so much happiness? Why do they have so much hope? Why do the kids run up to us just to hug us, when we have nothing to give out to them? Its because they NEED love. Its becuase they have nothing else excpet hope. They live off of it. Its the only thing they have, since they have nothing physical. That is why my team is here. To bring more hope, and to tell them that there is someone who loves them, even though they have nothing. That there is someone who has been watching out for them, even though they are abandon by their families.

We had church service in a prison today. As we (my team) sat in the middle of the court yard with Haitians from the YWAM base here, the prisoners came to their doors to listen and praise God. 10 people per cell. No where to sit, no where to sleep. As it started to pour down rain, we went up to the cells and just prayed for them. They were craving it, needing it. They have never had anyone care for them or pray for them before. Then they prayed for us. They were moved, I was moved.

For the next 2 weeks, we will be serving here on base as well as out on the streets. the 2 weeks after that, we will be living in the tent cities. Please be praying that everything goes smooth :) I love these people and already have a heart for them. I can not wait to see what happens in the next 2 and a half months :)

Rice, Beans, and Love

goodness, only 3 days left!

Yeah, you read that right. 3 days left until we leave. Thats it. Today we are going team shopping, getting typhoid shots, and malaria pills. Gonna be fun.

This week's speaker was Jake Hamilton, and he was unbelievable. He wrote the song that I posted a few weeks ago, The Anthem. Man, that guy is on FIRE for God. The whole class gets pumped just listening to him. He has an amazing relationship with God. He is an awesome song writer. And he has HUGE visions for Revival and Reformation of the church, especially in America. He was the perfect person to listen to before we leave for outreach. I can't even really say anymore, he was just so good. I could write for days about his lectures and how I feel about them. If you want to listen to him, which I highly suggest, go to www.awakendts.com and scroll to the bottom where the speaker list is. Some of his stuff is pretty convicting, but dead on.

I don't even know where to begin about how I feel about going to Haiti. Excited, nervous, expecting, don't know what to expect. They thoughts are all over the place. We know what we are doing up until the last 2 weeks, where we will figure it out along the way. We are not sure if we are going to have internet there or not, so there is a chance that I won't be able to update my blog while I am there. OUr team is amazing, though. The leaders are awesome and I really feel like we are just one big family. there are 18 total, so there are bound to be a few bumps along the way, but we all love each other as brothers and sisters.

We all have high hopes for Haiti. We expect to see a lot happen, good and bad. Please be praying for protection for us as we travel there. Pray that we all stay connect to God and each other. Pray that no sickness comes over us, especially since it is Malaria season.

Thank you so much, you guys, for all you have done for me and my team. I seriously can not convey how much I appreciate and love you all. I hope to talk to you all soon :)

17 days AHHHH

I have so many hopes and dreams for Haiti. And in 17 days, I will be on my way to see them happening. After 2 days of traveling, including a 5 hour lay over in LA and then another 3 hour layover in Miami, we will arrive in Port-au-Prince, Haiti where we will then take a bus to the YWAM base in Saint Marc. For the first 2-3 weeks, we will be staying on base there doing whatever they need help with. We will also be going into the streets when we are not helping out and ministering to the people on the streets, praying for faith, healings, and miracles in the hearts of the Haitian people. After these first few weeks, we will be moving into the slums, living in tents.

There is so much that we want to do in such little time. I personally have had a desire to reach out to prostitutes and those who visit brothels. My heart breaks for them. We will also be working with orphans, and again my heart breaks. In the prisons, working with murderers, my heart will break again for them. Each time my heart breaks, God is going to fill the cracks with love for them.

I can't wait to show the orphans that they have a heavenly father who will never die on them, or leave them, or sell them so the rest of their family can have money for food. To the prostitutes that they have an eternal lover who LOVES them for THEM and not their body and that they are worth a life that died on a cross, not a man with 5 dollars in his pocket. To the drug lords that Jesus can be their drug, not a bag of white powder. To the witch doctors and voodooistic people that they do not need to sacrifice anything or be overcome with demons to be protected and saved, but Jesus was the perfect sacrifice.

It is going to be scary, but it is a demonic oppressed country. Voodoo is their religion. They think it is a GOOD thing to be possessed by a demon because they think that their family will be protected by the demon. Pray that our team is unified, that we build a force of love so strong that the demons will cower and run away, because they can't stand to be around us.

Man, i get excited just THINKING about going, I can't wait until I am finally there! At the end of November, something amazing is going to happen. My team is going with another school form YWAM, Fire and Fragrance. And they are planning a 200 hour burn at the capital. For 8 and half days leading up to the election for a new president, thousands of people will gather at the steps of the capital, and worship, pray, and fast.

My team is still in financial need. We need around 6,000 total for everyone to be able to go. If you can help in anyway, jsut let me know :)

Thank you again for all your support and prayers! It sounds cliche, but I really do feel honored to have all of you back home praying for me and my team. Believe it or not, your prayers are working :)

GOLD DUST. ON ME. FOR REAL.

Remember my second week here when we watched a video and then after a man in our class had gold dust on him? Well since then, a few other people have had gold dust on them as well. Ever since that night (5 weeks ago) I have been praying for it, and tonight, I got it :)

One thing that I struggle with is believing that God is faithful. This is part of a journal entry that I wrote tonight. "God, give me faith. I pray but I expect nothing, thinking you aren't going to show up. They say you are faithful, and I need to see it." I also had been praying about His promises, and how I was having a hard time believing that He was going to truly keep His promise that He will show up. Then I read this in my Bible. 2nd Peter 3:9 "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." Woah. I didn't even look for that verse, it just showed up. So after this, I put on some music on my ipod to soak in Jesus for a while. I was happy one moment, then heartbroken the next. I was just all over. After an hour or so, I go back to my room. As I am brushing my teeth, I look in the mirror, and I see GOLD DUST on my chest. Yeah. I freaked out, almost choked, then showed my roommates and then my one on one, Erica. Erica has had it before, so I went to her to make sure it was real and not some random stuff on me. Here is why we think it is real.

-When ever I prayed for the dust, i look to my hands and arms first. I never expected it to be somewhere else, and God is always keeping us on our toes, so He put it on my neck/chest.
-It wasn't there when I left, but it was there when I came back to my room
-It is only where I had my hands, which was over my heart, when I was praying
-It is no where else on my body. It would be really difficult to brush up against something glittery and ONLY have it on my chest and no where else, not even my clothes.

SHOOT. so I made a quick little video to show what it is :) I will try and get it up soon. I am so grateful that God gave me this! It is a physical sign that He hears me and cares for me specifically! I didn't feel anything special, but faith is not supposed to be a feeling. I am still processing that this has happened to me, since whenever I prayed for it, I had almost no faith that it would happen to me. I would think that I wasn't special enough for it to happen, because I am not as "spirit filled" as a lot of other people here. I am so glad that God loves me. He loves me so much He sprinkled GOLD on me! My brain can't even handle it. Thank you, Jesus.

GLORY

At 1 pm today, there were 5 names on the board with a number next to each one. This number represented the amount of money that these people needed to go on outreach. The total was around 7,000 dollars. And they needed it by 3 pm. Today. Starting at 1:00, we gathered as a class to worship and pray for those who needed money. By 2:30, all of it was in. Words can't even describe what happened. Jesus. Glory. He poured out money on those who needed it. The air felt electric. People were dancing, jumping, and singing praises. So contagious. The Holy Spirit was there, jumping and dancing with us, you could just feel it.

Then this song came on that struck a chord in my heart. The Anthem by Jake Hamilton.

"He's calling waking up child
its your turn to shine
you were born for such a time as this

I am royalty, I have destiny
I have been set free
I'm gonna shape history

I'm gonna change the world"

This is what God wants us to do. It has been prophesied here at YWAM, at IHOP, and at a conference in Minnesota (there are just the ones that I know of) that our generation is going to rise up and bring the word and hope of Christ all over the world. And satan knows it. One of our speakers thinks that is why abortion became legal in the 70's. He was trying to wipe out our generation before we were even BORN. China is now on the rise for Christianity. 10,000 people become a christian A DAY there. At the same time, abortion rises in china. 27 MILLION abortions happen in china just in ONE YEAR. Coincidence? I don't think so. Jesus is on the move, and satan is trying to stop it. That is where we come in. God could have placed me in any womb that could have been aborted, but instead he gave me to my wonderful mother and father who love me and raised me. Now it is my job, as well is the generation, to not forget that. We were born to do something. We were born to share GOD'S LOVE with the world. We born as changers, freedom fighters, leaders. Satan is going to try, but he can't stop us. This is our time. Get ready world, because Love is about to be knocking on your door.

Satan is like a flying cockroach

My title basically sums it up. Through the fast this week I learned a lot about my self and some struggles that I had with my faith that I didn't realize I had until this week. The fasting last week went really well. Monday and tuesday was all real hunger ( i just drank water and juice, but the juice REALLY helped). Wednesday and Thursday were harder because it was all mental hunger. I swear I thought about Portillo's chocolate cake for 2 hours straight Thursday night. Friday was the best day, no hunger at all until it was time to break the fast ooo OOO! (FASTING TIP- never break a 5 day fast with cookies and cheetos. You will regret it.)

There were a lot of things I realized this week that I struggle with, like lies from Satan. Which I know I have mention before but they were all very REAL this week. And one lie that I believed was that Satan is the exact opposite of God, but he still had as much power. In my head, I knew that God won over satan but I always felt that satan had as much power as God. That is something I learned is so NOT true this week. The speaker this week, John Leech (who was very good) said something that really got me. It went something like that "Since Christ died for us and lives in us, his power now lives in us. Since satan is under His feet, he is under our feet too." Like, wow. I never thought of myself has bigger than satan. I am TIIIIIIINY compared to God, so how much smaller can satan be? I'll tell you. A cockroach. Which are annoying as heck, especially when they fly around like they do here. Seriously, lets compare. Satan and cockroaches are both ugly. They are both small but mentally they do a a lot of damage if we let them. They both fly around and try to attack you and freak you out. BUT they are both taken out so easily. Just like killing a cockroach with a flip flop, we can squish satan's attempts at attack us. We don't need to actually conquer him because Jesus did that for us at the cross, but we still need to stomp on his attempts to draw us further from God.

As our class as a whole gets stronger in Christ, the attacks form Satan get stronger too. Here is a quick little story. On thursday, there was a lot of spiritual warfare going on in people in our class. Just attacks from satan, like tearing relationships down or on their families back home. One of my roommates, Gaby, lost her passport and couldn't find it and she needed it for outreach. So (this is gonna sound silly) the 5 of us roommates got together and we prayed for God to show us where the passport was. 2 of us got the word drawer and 1 of us got the word pens. So we went straight to the draw where she kept her sharpie pens and BOOM there it was even though she looked through it yesterday! Glory.

Earlier this week, when I was going through a hard time, several people came up to me and prayed for me or gave me Bible verses. And they were all dead on about what I was feeling. A girl prayed for me about a week ago and EVERYTHING she said had run through my mind at one point that night. All the doubts and fears I had that I hadn't told anyone, she prayed about. This is the sort of proof that I have been waiting for that God is REALLY there and not so distant. When I was struggling with doubts of Him even being there, He sent 4 people to me with verses or prayers that were so accurate and then helped me and my roommates find a passport!

This has been an intense week. I am still learning how to overcome lies and live in truth. This whole experience has gone way part my expectations. There are a few things that you can be praying for, if you would like :)
-That our class keeps growing stronger in Christ and with each other
-That my Haiti team bonds and grows strong together

Thank you so much for all of you who are praying for me! Know that you all have a very special place in my heart and I too am praying for you :)

Fasting...again

So here's there deal. Remember how I had that one "sad revelation" a few weeks ago, when I realized that when I feel separated, that God feels separated? Well not to be a Negative Nelly, I am still not feeling that close to God. Which is a bummer. I love Him and I know He is there and it all makes sense that He love us because if He didn't, He wouldn't create us but something is still not clicking. Now I am ready for a revelation of His love. So in light of this, I have decided to do a 5 day fast. Not a media fast, but a food fast. Only water and juice. No food. Yeah.

Today was the first day of it and so far, not too bad. I have been drinking TONS of water so that helps. When I am supposed to be eating, I am reading the bible/praying/soaking/journaling instead. I am also reading through the book of Daniel while I am fasting. There are a few other kids in my class who are fasting for the same reasons, so I know that I am not alone in this.

Ok now for some fun stuff!
After a failed attempt to catch an EARLY morning bus on saturday, we ended up renting 2 cars and 10 of us went around the island. It is AMAZING. We first went to this huge beach which was still on this side of the island, then drove to the other side. Its kinda weird but seeing the ocean looks completely different on the other side. You couldn't tell where the ocean ended and the sky began. So we drove down to the ocean and stopped where there were huge lava rocks to walk out on. Feeling the ocean mist and sunshine all at once is an experience I'll never forget. Then it was time for some waterfalls. As we were walking along the path to get to the waterfall, we stopped and went inside this HUUUUUGE banyan tree with the roots growing form top to bottom. Weird, I know. Walking down into the middle of it was like walking from day to night. It was cool and dark and a whole different world in there. Then the waterfall. Awesome. We would just stand and watch once patch of water from the top slowly yet speedily fall and scatter all the way to the bottom. Gorgeous.

The best part of the night though was on the way home. It was about 12:30 AM, and we are all pretty much sleep talking by this point, being so tired. We were driving through the countryside (basically, a LOT of rocks) when we pulled over to look at the stars. BILLIONS OF THEM. I have never seen the night sky like this before. It almost looked gray, there was so much light. You could actually see an arm of the Milky Way. I have never seen that before. Even in the midst of my rocky times, God still surprises me with a gift like that :)

"We rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." ROMANS 5:3-5

Divine Revelation

SInce I have been at Kona, I have heard this prayer many times. "Lord, give them a divine revelation." What does this mean, you ask? It means that we would experience God in a way that we never had before so that we can understand Him just a little bit more. I have prayed this prayer for myself many times as well, and I have now, I believe, had my first Divine Revelation.

As you have seen throughout my blog, I have doubts. Last week, however, they seemed to completely take over. After that worship session last monday, I felt so distant from God that I didn't know what else to do. So I did a media fast, and it went pretty well. I did the fast so that I could experience God so that I would no longer have doubts about Him and His love anymore. I know it seems silly that I struggle with that, especially being a Christian at YWAM, but it has been a burden for a long time on my heart, but it is finally being lifted. Our speaker last week was a man named Aaron Walsh, and he helped start the International House of Prayer (IHOP) in New Zealand. Yeah, that's right, he flew form New Zealand just to talk to our DTS. Apparently, he only speaks at 1 a year and he turned down 39 other opportunities to speak this month so that he could come and talk to us. And man am I glad he did. He is an amazing guy who walk very close to God. All week, he was prepping us for Friday, because it was just oging to be a day of impartation when he would pray and prophecy over us.

So Friday rolled around and I was pumped. All I could think was "Yes, FINALLY I can experience God and I will know with out a doubt that He is real and cares for me." It was an insane day. As he prayed over people, they would just fall over. God would tell him what people were feeling and some of their fears and Aaron would say what they were to the class and then demand that satan stop telling those lies to that person. Then it was finally my turn. He looked straight at me (even though I didn't have my hand raised) and started praying over me that the bonds of self-hatred would be gone and that I would experience God's love. After a few minutes, I fell back. It was the weirdest thing. I felt a pressure on me, but it wasn't filled with love. Instead, it was horrible sadness and separation from God. As I lay on the ground with people praying over me, all I could think was "God, where are you? WHy can't I feel you when all these people can? Don't you love me?" I was a mess the rest of the day. My One on one, Erica, and I had a 2 hour talk where we started to work things out. At this point, i was still feeling separated from God. Erica prayed that I would experience Him and that I would not have expectations. I should just let him have his way.

Later, as I was praying about why God was letting me feel this way, the revelation hit. WHen I prayed to experience God, I just assumed it was going to be a happy experience. That I would be filled with love and joy so that I would have no doubt. God, however, had different plans. He didn't let me experience His joy, but He did let me experience His pain, which I clearly was not expecting. He started showing me all the times that I told Him how much I hated the way He made me, that I didn't trust He was there, that I didn't love Him because of what was going on in my life. He wasn't showing me these times in my life to me accusing, however. He was showing me this so that I knew when I hurt, He hurt. When I felt separated, He felt separated. What I feel, He feels a billion times more. He let me experience that terrible pain and sadness and separation earlier, because that is how He feels when I reject HIm. That is how he feels about the people all over the WORLD who choose to serve themselves over HIm.

I am so blessed that God let me experience that side of Him. Now I know its not true that He doesn't care about me. It is one thing to hear it from someone else, but it is completely different when you actually hear it straight from God. Since this Divine Revelation on friday night, my relation ship with Jesus has been so much better. I know He is listening to what I say to HIm and that He holds me in His hands, where he holds the stars. He also blessed me with an amazing family who loves me and listens to me as I explain these crazy stories and who fast with me.

Thank you for all who prayed for me this week! I love you all!

Media Fast

I have been feeling distant from God. And it sucks. It really sucks especially since I am surrounded by people who have a heart for Jesus and are totally consumed by His love.I feel like He is revealing His love to everyone but me. I am just going through a dry spell. In reality though, I asked for it. I asked that God would take my focus off of whatever was distracting me from fully seeking Him. I think He is testing me to see if I truly do trust in Him. Let me explain a little bit more.

So on Monday nights, our school teams up with another school for ministry/worship night. For the first half of worship last night, I could feel God's presence. I felt warm and tingly and all I could think about was God. I didn't feel close to Him, but He was definitely in the room. Now would be a good time to tell you that I have felt distant from God for a while, so I was excited to feel His presence. The whole time I was feeling God I was praying "Jesus, become more real to me. I want you to be all that I need. I want to experience what all these people are feeling." And then it was like a total 180. I completely shut off. I didn't feel God anymore. I could not focus. I felt numb, no emotion. I didn't understand. Why was God pulling away from me, especially since I had just started to feel Him? Then I was angry. I was angry becuse God was still showing Himself to everyone but me... or so I thought. Turns out a lot of other girls felt that way here. Faith is not a feeling, but a knowledge, which is really hard for me to wrap my head around. I want a feeling. I want it as proof that God loves me. But it is not up to me when God decides to show Himself, and I am slowly learning what this truly means.

I feel myself pulling away from God and I don't feel Him coming after me. But today, our speaker said that when something like this happens there are 3 things we need to do. Pray, fast, and read the Word. So that is what I am going to do.

Fasting comes in many forms, not just food. For me, I have decided to do an internet fast.p. If I gave up food, I would just be super crabby and no one would want to be my friend anymore and I would focus more on my stomach than on God. But giving up the internet is going to be something just as hard as giving up food. We don't realize how much of our time is spent on it until it is gone. Whenever I have a "craving" to go on the internet, I am going to whip out my Bible and start reading the first thing I open to. I know these next 5 days are going to be tough for me, but I am confident that God will reveal Himself to me in a whole new way. I have never done any sort of fast, so we'll see how this goes. I'll write again on Monday to share what God has done in my heart :)

My heart beats for Haiti

Its official... I am going to Haiti!! HOLLA WHAT?!
2 days ago, on Wednesday, we got our choices. They were China, India, South America, Haiti, Oman, Azerbaijan, and Thailand to Cambodia. When I first saw these, I had absolutely NO idea where I would go. And we had to let the leaders know our first choice THAT NIGHT. I felt no special attraction of one country over the others. My first thought was actually South America or Azerbaijan (just because it sounds cool). As I got more and more frustrated that I couldn't hear God's voice about it, I started to text my brother, Zack. He gave me an excellent bible verse and told me to go outside to pray about it, so I did. And God spoke to me. Here is how the conversation went down.

"Are you ready to give up the showering, makeup, hair product, to serve?" um...yes.
"Are you ready to do hard work for 3 months?" um...yes
Immediately He said "Then go to Haiti".
Now I open my eyes and looked around. Had i really just heard God or was that me? So I write it down to give to the leaders that night thinking if it was God, he would send me there. If it was just my own voice, then I would end up going to my second choice, South America. Well, apparently Haiti is where God wants me :)

There are 8 people on my team and 2 leaders, so 10 total. 7 girls, 3 guys. A little lopsided, but thats alright. We are already bonding :) We are not sure yet what we will be doing exactly or where exactly we will be going but most likely we will be living in tents :) I don't think I have ever been more excited to live in a tent, not that I have ever had the opportunity to before. Some ideas of what we might be doing there are working with orphans and working in prisons. No matter what we do, I know God is going to show up. He planed this group and this trip and it is going to be AWEEEESOOOOME!!!!

Thanks again for all the prayers about guidance! Love you all!

Gold dust! Miracles! Whaaa?!?

I’m sorry if this doesn’t makes sense…my brain is kinda flipping out right now…

Are you ready for some crazy stories?!?!? I still can’t believe it!!! Ok so tonight is Monday and we were supposed to found out our out reach choices but instead something insane happened. So we stared by watching a movie/documentary about miracles and faith and stuff like that. But it was all stuff that I had never seen before, very supernatural. It started with a church service in which some pretty amazing things happened. People were falling over at the presence of the Spirit. Black fillings in teeth were turned to gold. A preacher suddenly had gold dust all over him as he was speaking. Manna appeared inside a bible and much, much more. Then the movie moved on to people being healed. People who were deaf could now hear. People who were mute could now talk. People with chronic pain now moved freely. And even though all this is happening and I saw it all on the screen, I was still very skeptic. My thoughts were this exactly. “I won’t believe until I see it in real life.” Well, God took that literally.

After the movie, we were getting ready to talk about out reach when a man in our class starts to cry. We look over at him and he is COVERED IN FREAKING GOLD DUST. Over his hands, arms, shirt, pants, everywhere was little flecks of gold! His wife sitting next to him had it on her skirt too. There are about 60 eyewitnesses, mind you, so this could not be made up. After we all saw it, our leader, Andrew, felt like we should pray for those who need healing. So 2 guys who needed healing went up to the front of the room. One was a guy leader who need his shoulder healed and the other had scoliosis and constant lower back pain. As we prayed for them, I started praying hard core. “God, this is exactly what I asked for. Show me it is REAL.” And He sure did. The one with the painful shoulder could twirl his arm all the way around and the other one with the back pain was running and jumping and singing praises to God because the pain was completely gone!

WAIT! There is even more! After that a lot more people raised their hands for healing. As I sat next to Lauren, who raised her hand, she told us that her legs were different lengths and that she had horrible knee pain. She stuck her legs straight out and sure enough, the right leg was shorter than the other. A leader, Kat, come over and held them and told us to start praying because they WERE going to be fixed. As we all focused and prayed, we watched her legs. This is the craziest thing I have ever seen. HER RIGHT LEG ACTUALLY GREW. I could NOT believe it. I literally saw a leg grow right before my eyes to perfectly match the other one. Then we moved to the knees and prayed and prayed and prayed for the pain to be gone. By the time we were done, she was running and jumping and kneeling because her knees were 100% healed! INSAAAAAANE!!!! SO much more has happened but this were the ones I saw first hand.

Now, lets all remember that I am human. The human part of me could not believe it. Literally. I was thinking, “this is somehow a trick, this can’t be real, bones just don’t grow because you pray about it. “ But I am so wrong. Who am I to say what God can and can not do? Even if I still felt disconnected for some reason as I saw all this happen, doesn’t make it any less real. We as humans have to CHOOSE to believe that this is real. We have to CHOOSE to trust that God can do crazy things like make bones grow or straighten a spine or sprinkle gold dust on someone.

So what is your choice? Are you ready to choose to believe in a God who is good and shatters the boxes that we put Him in? Are you ready to choice to live for a God who loves us and heals us and blesses us even though we disobey and don’t always honor him? No matter what we have EVER done or will EVER do, he will loves us forever. Lets choose Him, guys. It is totally worth it.

God isn't just creepy, he is CRAZY

Hey folks, remember a few blogs ago when I said GOd was creepy in a good way? Well he is also crazy in a good way. Lets rewind a little to the beginning of the week...

Ok so Monday was the first day of classes here on campus for my DTS. Our school's leader's (Andrew York) brother, Philip York, was our first speaker and the topic was learning to hear God's voice. It was a VERY good lesson to learn. I learned things about myself and my own faith that I didn't know before. I learned how to hear God's voice and what to do with it. It is so crazy that if our heart and mind are in the right place our Heavenly Father will speak straight to us! On Monday we are going to find out our outreach places and apply what we learned. I know that I am easily influenced by the people around me so I hope that you all respect my decision to not tell anyone what the choices are until I figure out where I am supposed to go. I want this decision to be straight from God and not from the people around me. You are all wise and wonderful and I can't wait to tell you where I am going!!

So now we get down to the crazy part about God. This is probably going to be a long blog and going into deep stuff so now is your chance to stop reading if you want to. Ok, lets continue! Monday night worship. Boy oh boy. That night was not a whole campus worship, just our school and another school (Fire and Fragrance, Phase 2). Before I get into it, you need to know the things that I struggle with the most. The first thing is beauty, inside and out. I find it extremely hard to find my self beautiful and I am constantly putting myself down and comparing myself to others. The other thing is doubt. Every time I start to feel God, there is a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that it isn't real. Now I know that is a lie from Satan. He knows doubt is an area of weakness for me and he feeds off of it. OK, back to worship time. So there I am, standing up but I am not really feeling it. The leaders are walking around and praying over the students and one woman, Chantal, comes up to me and starts to pray for me. She prayed that I would know that God loves me and He finds me beautiful and that he made no mistake when he made me the way he did. Of course by this time I was crying like a baby. When she was done praying with me, another leader, Sarah Jo, comes up to me and also starts to pray. She prayed that I would now that God thinks I am precious and that he WANTS me to keep asking those hard questions because he is going to answer me and by asking those hard questions, it brings up closer together. (Creepy because with the doubt I have I am CONSTANTLY asking God hard questions and i never feel like i am getting an answer). Basically, God showed up when I least expected it. It was feeling hurt and confused and angry and He totally used other people to show his love to me.

Ready for another crazy story? OK, so today is friday and it was our last lecture with Phil. But before phil spoke, we have a guest speaker for just like 15 minutes. His name is Bob Hartley and he is a prophet, which I had no idea are still around today. after he talked fora few minutes, he started to pro! and it was nuts! He started calling out people and telling them very specific things that they were going to do or something about them. And there is no way he could be faking this. One girl got here really late, like yesterday and she just decided to come this week so her name isn't anywhere here. And he just said "Rachel from North Carolina!" and then started speaking to her! he did this like 10 times! I had ever seen anything like it before.

I also had an amazing prayer time today with 2 leaders, Kat ad Haley, and my roommate Gaby. It was just really cool to coem together and pray for like an hour. Then I had my 1 on 1 (like a mentor session) with Erica, one of the leaders and that was good as well! Tomorrow I start my work duty. Its a long day (8 hours) of kitchen duty but it is only every other weekend so its really nice. Hopefully we will still get some beach time in :) That is all for now! Thanks again to all of you who have been praying for me and my school!

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ" Phillippians 3:8

sea turtles, waves, and cocoa buns

First off, i just need to tell you all that I am only writing this blog because Miles Bocianski told me to, and no other reason. Just kidding. I just got off my first Skype session with my bro, dad, Miles, and Courtney. I miss them all and others so much :) But my time here has been so amazing so far. I can not believe how much God has provided and how he is already showing himself to me.

My DTS has been renamed to Awaken. The leaders felt that this DTS is going to be a part of our lives when the Holy Spirit is Awakened in us and that He has so much in mind for us. And I can already feel it. Not gonna lie, I have been feeling very distant from God lately. Even though I am here, I still worry and doubt which is just stupid but I can't help it. But last night I finally felt the Spirit starting to wake in me. He's not up and running yet, but He got a little nudge. Someone asked me yesterday what I wanted to do with my life and I said just get married and have kids but I really do like working with youth, especially middle school/high school girls, so maybe something with youth groups. Then at Worship time, someone who I met only once came over and said they wanted to pray for me. And as they were praying she started to pray for the teenagers that I would one day work with and thank you for my heart for them. She had NO idea that that is what I wanted to do with my life someday. Crazy? I think so.

Lets talk about worship for a second. I grew up Lutheran. Now, we all know that at a Lutheran church during worship, there are a few hand raisers but that is the extent of physically letting go and worshiping. That isn't the case here at YWAM. Last night, at campus wide worship, i witnessed some very expressive forms of worship, all very cool to see. My favorite was dancing. To be honest, I thought it was kinda weird that dance was used as a form of worship here-like people were just showing off that they are good dancers or something. But when I saw it for the first time last night, i could not have been proven more wrong. It was one of the most sincere and beautiful acts of worship that I have every seen. The Holy Spirit was shining through and the movement was so smooth and joyous that it could not have come from anything except the Lord.

Today was a big day, for many reasons. It was the first time I swam in the Pacific ocean wooo hooo! It was gorgeous and so much fun. And the best part was, we saw sea turtles!!!! They were Huge, like 3 feet. I have never seen any except in zoos. It was amazing. And another reason today was such a big day was because....drum roll.....my sister got engaged!!!! wooo hooo!!! Congrats to them :)( and to me since I am the maid of honor-holla!)

Prayer time! Here is what you folks can be praying for
-That I totally let go of everything and Trust God
-That my DTS people all get along-so far so good!

Thank you so much to you all! I miss you and love and can't wait to see you all again some day!

I'M HERE!!!!

Oh my osh kosh b'gosh, I cannot beleive that I am finally here!!! Travel went well yesterday, no snafoos at all. It was hard saying goodbye to everyone but once I was through security I was totally fine and could not wait to get htere. After 11 hours of flying time, we all safetly arrived at the Kona airport. When we all got off the plane, I realized that there were about 15 other YWAMers there and we immediatley started to connect to each other. Once we got to the base, we registered and got setteled in to our dorms. I have 4 roommates, 2 from South Korea and 2 from California. They are all super sweet girls :) After we all met we went to dinner. We eat outside here and the weather was wonderful. After dinner, a group of about 10 of us walked down to the beach-about a 10 minutes walk. We stayed until sunset and it was gorgeous. It was awesome getting to meet people from all over the world. THere are students from 35 countires on campus right now. THis morning, after breafast, we had a welcoming ceremony/orientaion. THe people of the Island welcomed us and we gave them gifts to say thank you for hosting us while we are here. This was followed by an amazing first worship. You could totally feel the presnce of God around you. My dorm is right across form the 24/7 prayer room, so we can hear people singing on and off through out the day. I am so excited for the real journey to start on Monday, when classes begin. Thank you to all who have been praying for me. They are totally working :) I miss you all so much yet I am excited to see what God is going to do with all your support. Aloha!

God is creepy

Ok, so let me explain the "God is Creepy." I mean this in a good way. I first heard it from my dear friend Emily, and it just stuck. God can be pretty creepy-like when he shows up in your life when you least expect it. Or you randomly come across a Bible verse that you have never seen before and yet totally fits what is going on in your life. Or you are having a conversation with someone about your fears and then the next day you read an awesome quote from a christian author that is basically about your fears. Here is my example for why God was creepy in my life today. Emily gave me the daily devo book "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young and, just for kicks and giggles, I flipped to July 8th (the day I leave for YWAM) to see what it says---and it was creepy. "When you seek my face, put aside thoughts of everything else. I am above all, as well as in all...open wide your heart and ming to receive more and more of me. When your joy in me meets my joy in you, there are fireworks of heavenly ecstasy." Basically, for the last 3 months, I have been praying that God opens my heart to what He has to teach me at YWAM, and that I not fear the changes He has for me. And then I read that it is just creepy. Gotta love it.

So basically, these last few days I have been a big ball of emotions. Although I haven't cried yet, I am sure I will be a weepy mess for the next few days. I can't even think about saying goodbye to my family without having a mini panic attack. One thing that keeps me going is prayer. The praying that I do and the praying that I know people are doing on my behalf. It is so encouraging knowing that I have a whole slew of people praying for me and my fellow YWAMers while I am preparing and when I go. It seriously calms my heart. I could not have asked for more supportive friends and family members, and I am so thankful for them.

God has once again been crazy by providing almost all the money that I need. I received a very large check this week from a good friend (you know who you are-and you are awesome!!!) and it has helped a TON. I can not express the gratitude that I have for all of you who have supported me. You are all flipping awesome and you are totally helping others hear about the Lord! I only need roughly 1,000 more in the long run. I will know for sure how much when I find out where my outreach will be. Thank you all again so much for being apart of my life and for supporting me and my endeavor! The next time you hear from me, I will be reporting from Hawaii :)

Please pray for
-an open heart
-safe travel
-no fear

"For I am convinced that neither death not life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any power, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:8-9

Getting Closer...

For those who have heard from my family/friends yesterday, I am totally fine. I was in the hospital for what they thought was gallbladder or appendix problems but it ended up being some girl stuff which I will spare you all from hearing, but I will be fine and it is nothing to worry about. Praise God this didn't happen 2 weeks form now or it would have made a very interesting start to YWAM! Thanks for all the prayers!

Now, moving on to more fun stuff. 13 days is what I have left here in Illinois. One minute I am having a panic attack about it and the next I feel like I am going to burst if I don't get there any sooner. It really hit me that I am going to be gone for half a year when my good friend Paul Boyer left to do his YWAM 2 weeks ago. The night he left, I was with his girlfriend (my best friend, Hannah, who I will miss dearly) and I was like "dang. 6 moths is a long time." Its not like in a few weeks we will see him again. We will still be months away. And it kinda freaked me out. But then I started to think a lot more about time and how 6 months really isn't that long it you look at it from a different view. Lets say that the average person lives 80 years (God willing). That means this trip is only going to take up 1/160th of my life, which is so not that long. So it freaks me out less if I think of it that way. And I know that this 1/160th portion of my life is going to change me forever and I am getting so pumped just thinking about it!

One thing that I have been dealing with while preparing for this trip is what God is going to ask me to give up or do. Which is totally dumb because I know that whatever he has in mind for me is 10874635487 times better than what I could ever plan. But here is another crazy story about God. So, I was talking to my dear friend Hope about this and then the next night I read THIS in Forgotten God by Francis Chan. "the flip side of fearing that God won't show up is fearing that he will. What if God shows up but then asks you to go somewhere or do something that is uncomfortable?"So that pretty much sums it up for this fear. God is always listening, even when we don't feel like He is, and in the smallest of ways( like in a book), He comforts us. I just love that.

A little side note on support...God is freaking COOL. I am so serious. One night I was totally doubting it, that he would provide (again, I know I am stupid). The next day, I got a check in the mail from someone who knew I was doing the trip, but I never even sent them a letter! I LOOOOVE that God is showing me that He is taking care of me, even when I am a fool and doubt it. I am definitely learning what trust really is during this time of my life. As of now, I still need roughly 2-3 thousand more. Thanks again to all who have supported me both in finances and prayer!

A few things to be praying about in these last 2 weeks...
-No more health snafoos for me or anyone else
-Support still comes in
-That I (and my team) will not fear what God has in store for us
-For the school leaders as the prepare for us to arrive
-For my friends who have already started their YWAM and those who are going to start when I do, and those who start after after me!

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" Zephaniah 3:17

Pushing my limits

This week, God is showing me how comfortable my life is. Right now, I barely have anything to worry about. I have a good life. I have kick-butt parents. I love my siblings. I have awesome friends. I have a relatively cush job. I live in a nice home, I have a nice car, I have people who care about me and love me. Overall, I am pretty darn blessed. Besides my brief stint away at college, I have been pretty comfortable. That isn't going to last long.

I have come to realize that I like my life here in Wheaton. I like my job, I like babysitting, I like hanging out with my family, I like seeing my friends whenever I want to, I like to shop, and I like Caribou. Soon, I will not be able to do these things. And even though it is lame, it is starting to freak me out. In less than 5 short weeks, I can no long see my family everyday, hang out with my friends, go out to eat at my favorite places, or drive my pretty red jeep. True, I'll be living in Hawaii, but I have become so used to my life here in good old Wheaton, that I am surprisingly finding it hard to let go (I never in my life thought that I would be sad to leave Wheaton for Hawaii).

This is going to be the first time in my life where I am completely on my own. Yes, I went away to college but I had freaking awesome roommates and I could come home whenever I wanted to. That won't be an option at YWAM. I am going to have to throw myself out there into a group of people all over the world (not quite the same as college). That is where God is already showing me that I am going to be thrown out of my little comfort circle. I am pretty easy going, but I generally do not put myself out there. I am still totally pumped for YWAM because I know that this is EXACTLY where God wants me right now, but to be honest, I am still a little freaked about leaving my comfort circle. I will totally have to depend on God. I have before but I also had my family and friends right there with me, but not this time. I have found that I am already growing closer to God just by talking about my fears and I CAN NOT WAIT to find out what else He has in store for me :)

There are a few things that you can be praying for, if you wish.

1-That I not let fear consume me but that I put my self out there to make the most of my YWAM experience.
2-That I am completely open my heart to what God has to show me and that I am not afraid to do what He asks of me
3- That support keeps coming in for me and my fellow YWAMers

SUPPORT NEWS: I now have over 6,000 of the 10,000 dollars that I need, PTL! Over 2,000 of it has come from support letters that I have sent out which is more than I ever hoped for. Thank you to all who have supported me financially and prayers!

Psalms 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for you are with me"
Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the LORD your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear, for I will help you'"
Deuteronomy 31:8 "It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed"

Provision

As July 8th comes closer and closer, I am blown away by how God is blessing me already. When I sent letters to my family and friends, I was not expecting a whole lot-just some of them to respond and that i would not receive a whole lot of support. Boy, has God proved me wrong. He has laid it on so many hearts to give towards my trip to YWAM- I am completely blown away. So here is a shout out to all who have given financially and prayerfully! Holla! Not only is God providing through family and friends, but through churches also. From the support that I have received from family, friends, and churches is over 5,000 dollars!!! Only about 4,000 to go. PTL! Only 41 days left. I can't believe it. I am so excited. Some moments I am utterly terrified about leaving my family and friends to do something that is completely different than what I am used to. This is the furthest out of my comfort zone that I have ever been. I need that though. Everyone needs to be pushed once in a while, and now is my time. I am ready for it. Yes, I will miss my family and friends but I am raedy to see what God has in store for me :) I am ready to learn more about Him, I am ready to meet new people and make new friends, I am ready to help others who need help. I am excited and ready to go :)

Fearless

Today in church, a woman shared a story about her friend. Her friend was a nurse and a few years ago went to Nigeria with YWAM. While there, she was killed when her van rolled. This hit home since I have many similarities with her. I wanted to be a nurse for a long time. I feel Africa is my calling. I am doing YWAM. Even though this hit a spot on my heart, I had this overwhelming feeling of peace while I listened. The woman who told the story said that her friend lived without fear. She loved what she was doing and was on Fire for it. When she died, her family continued that fire. I want to be like that. I want to live fearlessly and go whole-hearted on this trip. I want to be so on Fire for God and what I am doing that even if I die, people will still know it. I want to live without fear. That is my goal for this trip. Yes there is a chance that I could die, but isn't there that chance everyday? I know that whatever happens on this trip will be used for good. God promises us that much. Romans 8:28 "For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called to His purpose." I am ready for this. I know that this is what I am meant to do at this point in my life. Jumping subjects, I have mailed all my letters ooo OOO! My kick-butt grandparents have started me off and I am very glad for them and their donation. Again, if you would like a letter from me, just ask ;-) I leave for YWAM in less than 7 weeks. 52 days to be exact. In the mean time, prayer is always welcome :) If you are not sure what to pray for, here are a few things...
1. That I am my team can open our hearts for what God has to each us
2. That the people we reach out to will have a willing heart and want to listen
3. That we all stay safe through out the whole trip
4. And finally, that we all stay FEARLESS

The adventure begins

So I decided to do a blog to keep people updated about my YWAM (Youth With A Mission) experience. So I'm just gonna start from the beginning to catch everyone up. I guess you could say it all started last March when I first heard about YWAM. I was like "this is awesome, I want to do this" and then I didn't think about it again for a very long time. That is when the seed was planted. I didn't give it much thought until school started again in the fall. I was not in a great place with God at that time of my life, but I wanted to be. So I started praying about what my next move should be. YWAM entered my mind from time to time but I was all like "nah I could never do that." (guess I changed my mind). One night the thought SERIOUSLY entered into my brain and I could not get it out. So I was like "God if this is what you reaaaaaally want me to do, then show me" and then I read my bible and flipped to this verse (and this was not on purpose) to Matthew 28:19 "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations." That is pretty much what YWAM is all about. Long story short, I applied a few weeks later. THEN on the day that I was accepted into the school that I applied to I had college group. And one of the verses for the night was MATHEW 28:19!!!! CRAAAAZY!!!!! To sum it all up, I was not in a place where I wanted to be, God directed me to YWAM, and now I am going :)

SO- this is what is going to happen. July 8th, I leave for Kona, Hawaii (SWEET) for 12 weeks. During these 12 weeks, I will be diving into the Bible and learning to hear God's voice and grow closer to Him while also being trained for missions with other people around my age. The next 12 weeks will be spent in another country (unsure where at this moment-most likely Asia, possibly Africa) applying what we learned in those first 12 weeks. We will be working with the homeless, orphans, and more. I have never been more excited for anything in my LIFE :)

I need to raise around 10,000 dollars in support, so if you feel led to help me out, just let me know. Prayer is also a great thing :)

I am going to be using this blog to update people before I go on where I stand with my support and to stay in contact with y'all when I am away. Thank you and I love you all!